|Reviews for All Alone|
| Musette12 9/20/08 . chapter 1
Another story let down by your lack of patience. You state in the summary that this is a quick story - well, quick does not mean the same as sloppy. Even the summary has a glaring spelling error - "amotion" rather than emotion.
OK - use a spell checker. Print out your work and read it over. Correct the mistakes. Print it out and read it again. Use a beta reader - then, and only then should you post the story.
Right, that was general advice - here is a specific example of the problems.
"He was looking over at the vast ocean, the cool night air hit him gently but it was winter and even on there Tropical Island the cold had started to seep into the nights. Scott hated the night, there was nothing to do except. He didn’t sleep well, he hadn’t not since IR had started up."
First sentence - well , it is a collection of clauses- but they do not actually belong together, creating an ungainly effect and lessening the chances of comprehension and there are magical tenses. Try something like this:
"He was looking out over the vast ocean when he became aware of the cool night air hitting him".
Note - change from cold to cool. As you go on to say, this is a tropical island. It is therefore a contradiction in terms to be cold. Make sure you understand the defintions of words before you use them!
Next sentence: "It was winter and even on their tropical island the nights were becoming chilly."
Right - you'll see I've used the possessive form "their", which is correct. Also, do not capitalise "tropical island" - it is not a proper noun.
Third sentence - well, this just ends abruptly in the middle of the second clause. What exactly does Scott want to do at night? Most human beings find it essential to sleep. Is Scott diferent in this? There is no way of making sense of this statement.
Finally: "He didn’t sleep well, he hadn’t not since IR had started up."
A double negative equals a positive - which I presume is the opposite of what you actually intended. Also, when writing, it is generally best to avoid contractions except when reporting direct speech. And try to keep your tenses consistent: to agree with the first sentence, this might read:
"He was not sleeping well, in fact he had not slept well since IR had commenced operations."
You've got a fair amount of stories posted, so you obviously have a good imagination. But if you wish other people to read your stories, then you need to do a lot of extra work before posting them. At the moment, they are simply badly written.
| Blackness 9/19/08 . chapter 1
I love your reviews. Your so good and it really makes me smile to read them. Thank you,
| Little Miss Bump 9/19/08 . chapter 1
Aaw, very cute. A wonderful brotherly piece, with plenty of family bonding to satisfy my addiction. Well done. Hee hee, Virge is giving Sott a piggy-back? That's funny. He's mid-twenties, but he can still get a kick out of a piggy-back. Another little snippet of family happiness. I'm glad that Virge helped Scott to release all that pent-up emotion, I'm sure it'll help to speed the healing process along nicely.
Another great fic, buddy! I hope to read more in the future. Well done.