This is just sickening. Do you know about a little thing called spellcheck, honey? It can be a lifesaver, believe me.

Also, do you know what a mary sue is? Well, that is what I am sure your character is and will become. Why are these people so OOC (out of character, if you don't know what that means)? It's things like this that give fanfiction writers a bad reputation.

~Xigbar's Lover

The concept isn't bad, but you should work on you dialogue and detail. It would definitely flow a lot better that way. And be sure to proofread your stories or at least use a spellchecker. Grammatical errors turn off readers pretty quickly.

yay! im da 1st 1 2 review! anywho interesting story. o n u shud really try n finish 1 story b4 u start a new 1 lol. anywho good luck in da rest of ur story n update soon!