I've but one main concern:

It seems that one of the main recurring conflicts with your story, one of the things that could use some definite improving on, is your lack of paragraphs. You have a lot of fragmented sentences spaced out so that...the story just doesn't flow. Try putting them together in paragraphs, and reading what you've written out loud so you can make sense of it yourself. If the sentences don't connect when you read them aloud, or they sound forced or robotic (in a sense), then try to change them by making the sentences connect back to one another and flow smoothly, like a stream. I know it sounds totally cliche, but that's one of the main factors that gets people to read your work - flow. If everything is fragmented and disconnected, it becomes totally uninteresting to the reader and they just click 'back' on their browser and move on to something else worth their while.

Also, I've noticed that you frequently also start your sentences by using character names. For example, in this chapter, you started five consecutive sentences with Angie, Anna, Angie, Angie, and Anna. It gets a little repetitive after a while, and boring if you do that. Now, I'm not saying that it's totally bad to use the characters' names, but you can also use other words like "he" or "she" or "they" or whatever else! They're not prohibited, you know. Word variety in a fic is ALWAYS strongly accepted - in fact, that's one of the main factors that makes me like a story.

I don't intend to flame your fic with this review, only give constructive criticism. You just need to focus on your constructing of pararaphs, flow, and grammar, and you'll be good. Otherwise, you've got a pretty solid idea going ^^

Best regards,

SilverTragedies