Whoa cool story

Just finished reading Eagle's Power, Swan's Prayer, and is wondering- what’s with the aliases? Rose Swan, White Dove, Eagle, Wolf… I hope this doesn’t offend you but it’s starting to sound like a zoo. Using alias is good once or twice but when everyone has one. It tends to sound cheesy.

I feel their love.

Kkornelia

Looks good Storm, though it could use some more detail overall.

Anyways, keep up the good work. -

I’ve not read your fic with this “Sebastian” in it, but even so I still thought I’d comment about your writing a little bit…

[“I’m so nervous,” Lacus said, her pink hair, in twin ponytails bounced about as she paced in her dressing room. The other nobles reasoned since they had Lacus Clyne there, who better to raise everyone’s spirits? But truthfully, the Songstress of Hope wanted to only raise the spirits of one man…her beloved husband.]

This entire first paragraph was way too short, especially for an introduction paragraph. The reader is given virtually nothing to go on, setting wise. Like for instance, I have no idea who “The nobles” are. I’m guessing the Orb nobles, but the reader shouldn’t have to guess. Also, I’ve no idea where this is taking place, the time, what Lacus is wearing, or who is all at this gathering. It’s all a big mystery. Even if this is geared toward the readers you have who’ve already read your fic with Sebastian in it, you should still take the time to describe everything.

Also, another slight problem I see. Your description itself could use a little update, or at least a little bit of polishing. I’ve noticed you use a lot of general descriptions, such as in that first paragraph. “Her pink hair, in twin ponytails bounced as she paced in her dressing room,” is a perfect example. Try using other words to describe Lacus, her hair, her pacing, etc. It’s what sets your writing apart from other people. Like, say: “Her fine salmon-colored hair was tied up into twin ponytails at the top of her head, fastened together by blue hair ties that matched her skin-tight dress. Rhythmically, they bounced with the gentle rock of her body as she set one foot in front of the other, pacing in the middle of her dressing room.”

Lengthy, yes I know, and it would seem so much simpler and easier to just use what you have. But you give the reader a better picture, and in the end it makes you a better writer. Don’t just use sight either- human beings have many other senses. Smell, touch, taste, hearing. Challenge yourself to see if you can include some of these. They are often forgotten, believe it or not.

The same goes for your emotional descriptions. You have to really dig down deep and find those words you want to use. When writing off the top of your head, all too often you may end up using weak descriptions and words that any fifth grader knows. Editing is an author’s best friend, so maybe try and go back and see if there are other words you can use.

So, all-in-all, this song-fic fell a bit flat, in my opinion. But you can improve, very much so. Maybe as an exercise, you could come up with ways to describe to describe an object. Any object will do, just don’t use the same words twice in your description. List at least five descriptions at first, and see what you come up with. Watch those fifth-grader words though. D: Then once you comfortable with five descriptions, try seven, and so forth. I’m not asking you to go to or anything, just maybe read a few novels and see what the author uses in their descriptions. “Ephemeral” sounds a lot better than “short-lived”, after all, and “foliage” sounds better than “leaves and trees”. :D

Er, I’m done. I swear! Lol.

Good luck in the future

-Blue Moon Wolf

Also very nice. It seems this is designed to complement your KxF story, and it's certainly very nice. Another thing is that you highlighted the fact that Lacus feels fear. It seems like an obvious thing, but stories often seem to forget that facet of her character.

While I prefer your other story, I think that's just because of how much I like KxF, and this is written just as well.

Very sweet and passionate. -