|Reviews for The Awakening|
| Besieged Infection 1/31/09 . chapter 3
Colin's character is coming out about a lot of things a lot more than he would in the actual series, but I like it. Tory, also, is jumping to conclusions, but you're pulling it together a lot better than you did in the previous chapter, I must admit. Much better written, as well. And sorry it took me so long to review; my computer went haywire.
Your descriptions of everything have gotten more explicit, more experienced. You're really growing as a writer, as fast. I must admit that I am impressed with the change in style. *Hands you cookie*
With a smile,
| Amarock Wolf 1/7/09 . chapter 3
Aww, great new chapter :D I can't wait to read more and see where you take this. Make sure there's plenty of romance ;D
| Chikorita-Trainer1 1/6/09 . chapter 3
Very interesting indeed!
| wonder1440 1/5/09 . chapter 3
WOW! So glad I check here everyday so I don't miss something. This was very well done and I think could be VERY possible! I just hope we get a chance to read the real ending, but this will do for now
| Besieged Infection 11/30/08 . chapter 2
I'd like to tell you that this is a nice little project, just a little late: you should have started it a year or so ago. What with the publishing of the 3rd volume being rescheduled you would have had much more time to make the chapters more filled with information than they are currently, with an average of about words a chapter, which is incredibly short. Just so you know, it's better to have chapters at LEAST 2k words long, but I guess it's okay as it is. But let’s back to the timing. As you know, the third volume was originally scheduled for release in December of 2007, but either the writer or the artist has put off the publishing date to December of 2008, instead, leaving fans like me, who have been waiting the series’ continuation for almost 2 years, to move onto other stories until it is published (which will be very soon, I may add). I'm just saying that you should have posted this at an earlier date, considering everyone from this point on will be comparing your story to the upcoming 3rd volume. As I said; a nice little project, just a little late.
Now to the style. Your style is very nice, if not a little short as I noted earlier. In the beginning of the story started out very good, taking things directly out of the story and bringing them to your own turning point. But just so you know, even though it's only the second chapter you've already managed to mess things up a little, but it’s because the things you forgot to take into account are… okay, they’re big parts of Tory’s personality. For one; Tory tends to be very secretive, so an example of how it would make more sense for him to take action is for him to take Colin to his (Tory's) house, then call the number Colin gave him several times before deciding call the one he got from the nurses office (he could say he got it off a piece of paper in Colin's pocket on the phone, but have everyone planned out before hand) to notify that Colin had suddenly collapsed, subtly mentioning the fact that Colin was very adverse to doctors/hospitals, but for reasons unknown to him. Although you did not take Tory's secretiveness into account, his reluctance for the family, especially Colin, to find out the secret, and the still budding romance, it doesn't really make sense that Tory would take Colin to his (Colin's) house; no offense. The relapse idea was a good one, the follow up wasn’t in following with Tory’s character, though. That’s my only complaint.
I would like to commend you, however, on attempting to write Dr. Garrets. It’s a risky, difficult move since you have about 3 lines of dialogue from him in the story, total. He’s a back-up character with the potential to become a main character, one of the harder ones. Also, he has no real personality yet, which means you can potentially ruin the story by putting him in here. I’d like to commend you on your bravery, really, for writing such an impossible character; however I get the feeling that you’re making it so that he is the one moving the plot along. With this there is no antagonist, and it’s going to turn into strait out sci-fi with no relevance other than a budding romance to the readers which, if you keep the characters personalities in check along with the fact that Colin currently holds a rather large grudge against Tory, could take a REALLY long time. In the meantime, there will be nothing to write about unless Tory thinks the Gaea project is wrong, in which DR. Garrets will retaliate to, get him out of his house, and probably switch Colin’s school. This will not only make the story harder to write, but also drag it out for quite a while that could leave readers unfulfilled. It’d be nice, though, if you did this and dragged Paul into the matter, which would really spice things up a bit.
As for the Gaia project, I always thought that COLIN was the Gaia project, connected to the world in some way. Like the project was out to save the environmental world with extreme measures and Colin was the one being affected by pollution and such the most and they were using him as a measure of the world’s health, and by his saying ‘HE DOESN’T HAVE ATTUNEMENT’ in page 18 of chapter 12 (or page 155 of volume 2) could mean there are many others connected to the earth, like he is. To say that the Gaia project was not Colin really threw me off, but I can’t wait to see what you think it is! Now onto the overall actual review.
Your story is good, but you can really improve. I was really unimpressed with your version of Dr. Garrets, whose name you spelled wrong, by the way (has both volume 1&2 of the manga open on her desk right as we speak). It only has one ‘t’. Anyways, his character was disappointing, seemingly used only to move the plot along faster so you would have less work to do. However, by introducing him, I hope you realize that it will take a much longer time to introduce a romance, but you seemed to have solved that by making Tory OOC for a little while. Not only did he look at Colin fondly, but ran his hand through the boy’s hair. This is a very long shot considering they have never really shown much fondness outside of the lunch scene, in which a little hostility was used, although a cute hair ruffle was added to make it seem more light-hearted. There are not many cute scenes in the manga, as they are few and far between for a reason. It makes the love subtle, so that the readers fantasize exactly what you came up with. It doesn’t look like you’re holding back on the characters, so it’s really not that satisfying a read, but I guess you’re just taking Jen’s work and making it into your own; I can’t blame you for that.
All in all, I liked your story, but it could use a few improvements. I’d like to point out right now that your grammar is excellent, but your comma placement is some-what vulgar (no offense) and in need of some variation. It’s called a semi-colon, colon, period, and dash mark. Use them well; use them amply.
I look forward to your update,
| wonder1440 10/25/08 . chapter 2
_ I like very much! Great story and welcome to FanFiction!
| randomness123456 10/18/08 . chapter 2
Oh my gosh! I can totally see this playing out in the manga. It's like you got into Jen's mind and came out with a possible scenario for the ending! Very intriguing! I can't wait to see what your take on the Gaia project is, oh and don't forget to include a kiss, I swear I'll die if they don't have at least one peck.
| Chikorita-Trainer1 10/18/08 . chapter 2
Interesting. I wish your chapters were longer...but that's just because you're a good writer and a master of suspense!
| Amarock Wolf 10/17/08 . chapter 2
*squee* I loved the ending to this chapter. I want to know what happens! I like how Tory's beginning to confront his feelings.
| Amarock Wolf 10/15/08 . chapter 1
I really like how this is starting out. I especially love that first line. It really caught my attention. :) Can't wait to see more! Please update!
| Chikorita-Trainer1 10/15/08 . chapter 1
Very good! Very good! Please update!