Okay, this story needs to be a bit about the characters in the books. I like it well enough, but i wont continue reading it if you dont put Peter or Lucy or someone from the books in it,

And i don't care much if you put Peter Ooc. Just put him in it.

update soon

This collection of words - including all the silly and pointless author's notes - has exactly WHAT to do with Narnia and the works of CS Lewis?

Gr...

Why don't you do the world a favor, put in William's name instead of Peter's ('cause that's OBVIOUSLY who you're drooling over), take this eyesore off the archive and keep it in your diary where it belongs?

(Whew, deep breaths. Calm down, Keeper...you want to give constructive criticisms, NOT flames...)

Look. Stop using Peter Pevensie like this. It's degrading and insulting to treat him as a stand-in for your William Moseley obsession. You're not even TRYING to stay true to the books OR the characters we know and love; that in and of itself doesn't say anything good about you. If you truly want to honor Narnia and C. S. Lewis, you should make at least some attempt at writing something worth reading.

Drop the shallow boyfriend/girlfriend friday night dates and goggly eyes, use your brain and think outside the box for once. Don't fall into the same twittering tweenager ruts that everyone else falls into. Unleash your imagination! Put depth and emotion and meaning into your stories! More life! More color! The more effort you put in, the more reward you'll get out.

I know I'm sounding harsh and you're probably feeling a bit stung. And that's just fine. If you want to delete this, go ahead. But PLEASE think about some of what I said. If people would just stop, think and exercise their rusty imaginations, this archive would be a SO much better place...

gr8 story! That totally stunk for Jen, that was just a dare... update soon, can;t wait!

It's fortunate that you're switching the story to fictionpress then, if this is set in the modern times. Be sure to change Peter's name before you post it, though. But I can assure you that you aren't going to get much response there; fictionpress is a lonely place.

I'm sorry, but this first chapter is utterly terrible. I can just tell even after two measly sentences. Please make your chapters longer, really really short chapters are just... ugh. And look out for your commas. They seem to be missing.

Hey, okay, take it slow. I'm really glad that you're doing it on Fictionpress, it will fare better there :) But REMEMBER--make it good, non-cliched and get an older person to read it over give you advice etc. Good luck!
~i

No please, I may be mean and a bitch but I really don't want this story deleted. I think it's good. And trust me, I wouldn't think twice about being mean to you so THAT is saying something.

The Queen

:'( Please don't delete this. You'll make me cry. Please? Leave it up? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I'm not aloud to go on fanpress, or whatever it's called.

Please Please don't delete it. This is such a good story.

If you even THINK of deleting it, I'll be soo mad! I love it and NOTHing is going to change that! I love it, and it's a great story.

Alright.

First off, to 1m4n: Uh, ouch. I'm not the writer and that stung me. That's probably what you were aiming for, so no other comments. Missing accomplished.

I'm not going to waste my time to decipher the rest of the review, so whatever.



(I'll look on this review in a week and not know what the fuck I'm talking about. -_-)


Back to the story...
I must admit, when I read this story it reminds me of my school during my time. Not during the 1940's. And Peter kinda reminds me of that cutie junior jock who is chased up and down the hallways by cheerleaders and such while being called on his Apple iPhone.

Is Jen a bit Mary Sueish? Yeah. Can it be fixed? Absolutely.

I highly disagree with over half of the "reviews" here when I say discontinue your series. I'm no Beta Reader and I'm shit when it comes to writing fantasy stories such as Narnia and so forth. Like everyone else, you just need some practice writing. My writing is shit, no duh. Have I been told to discontinue my stories? Of course. But do I? Fuck no!

But just because I'm not a Beta Reader doesn't mean I won't try to help. Send me a copy of the new chapters so you avoid getting bashed when you shouldn't.

I have read you former stories, and I have offered constructive criticism. I told you what was wrong and what you could work on, and that if you tried, your story COULD work and be good and be enjoyable. But I'm going to be mean. Why? Because, well, I think you need it. I was never planning to do this, but I'm sick and tired of giving a Suethor (cuz that's what you are) criticism to make their writing *better* when they are not even TRYING TO BE MAKE IT BETTER.
Let's just start this way. I have told you several times that your OCs are Mary Sues. But what is a Mary Sue?
Well, guess what. Jennifer is YOU. She is you falling in love Peter, squealing with her friends, going to some stupid 21st century high school ('The England High School'?? Extremely charming and original... but I'm being sarcastic). You'd pine over Peter Pevensie (or William Mosely--take your pick), if he were real. I'm pretty sure he's your literary crush and that you have a major crush on William Mosely, and that he's, "lyke, the hawtest guy EVAR". Don't you see? YOU are Jen Mores. Yeah, so maybe you don't have the same name, or you don't look the same, but you are essentially Jennifer Mores.
And you even said this story is based on you and your crush Christopher. Ok, why the heck would any of us readers care about Christopher? Why would we CARE ABOUT YOUR DRAMATIC HIGH SCHOOL LIFE? Writers observe and base some characters *loosely* off of people they know, but they don't LITERALLY put themselves in their own stories, unless it's non-fiction, and this is fanfiction.
And honestly, don't you learn internet safety in computer class? You don't write about your personal life--whether it be in your story or in your author notes--and post it on the net. Haven't you heard about child predators? And not only THAT, but writing about your High School Drama on the net is just shallow and really pathetic.
And dude, you just totally destroyed Peter's character, which is the most tragic thing about you Suethors. That guy who just asked you out on a dare was NOT PETER. Repeat: he was NOT PETER.
Just please, take this monstrosity off of . And get a life. Or be a better writer. Since the latter seems extremely unlikely, then just get a life.

~I

1) I'm afraid I'd have to agree with Cold Splash of Reality. The last thing we need is another dumb teen-bop droolfest over Peter/William.

2) I don't know what this story is, but it certainly doesn't belong in Narnia. Use your brain. The Chronicles take place in 1940's England and a medieval/renaissance-ish fantasy world, not highschool in 2008 America. Please at least make SOME attempt at staying within the canon universe. If you can.

If you can't do any better than this or show Narnia more respect, then please put a warning up so intelligent people who appreciate Narnia for NARNIA (and NOT William Moseley, COUGH) will know to avoid this.

Gah, I feel all depressed now. Nobody appreciates Narnia for what it is anymore! It's all Peter-this and William-that and Suspian junk and "OMG he's so hot" blah blah blah... (Honestly, what DO they teach in school these days??) :(

Keep updating. Look if people don't like don't read. And after all it isn't as if it's true you're just telling a story. Continue if you like and if not well don't