|Reviews for Denouement|
| Guest 5/22/13 . chapter 13
ooooh pleease continue! iscadvan forbidden from fighting hulls, even?
| Blue-Inked Frost 2/7/13 . chapter 1
Already done chapter thirteen, so down to chapter one! It should satisfy some of my lingering curiosity, too. :)
I thought this chapter began with some initial, interesting descriptions - not an action scene, but there's enough detail there to visualise winter and snow.
Nitpick - "the desolate landscape appeared more akin to the moon in its hospitality" - 'more' is unnecessary, since the landscape is only being compared to one thing and since 'appeared akin' makes a stronger simile alone.
Cadvan's musings on Maerad lost my attention a bit as a reader, but to a fan of the canon they might be more interesting. I felt that part was not very dynamic since there was no action or plot advancement in it, and because I still don't know the characters much. But a Cadvan/Maerad shipper might find that part exactly what they were looking for.
Maerad's racing scene in the snowstorm grabbed my interest again! I liked the vivid descriptions of the weather, and in that scene the character had a definite goal.
Another minor nitpick - ""I cannot travel in this weather," Imi snorted and shied against the raging wind." Since I'm guessing that Imi's telepathically communicating, 'snorting' is not a speech tag, so it needs a full stop after 'weather'. Alternatively, if 'snorting' was a speech tag, I think a comma should go after it to show that 'shied' is a separate action. ""I cannot walk," she stroked" - is another case where that isn't a speech tag.
Minor typo - "Maerad ignored"
"She felt something snap." - but I noticed you didn't explicitly mention any broken bones? That's what I'd normally associate with something snapping after a person being thrown to the ground. I'm guessing she broke her arm because it's injured, but I think that could have been entirely spelled out to clear it up for the reader.
I thought that Adian, the aggressor, came across as one-dimensional as a character; a generic nefarious sexually-threatening baddie. That's not necessarily a criticism, but a description.
I'm guessing that the part with Maerad after the storm is also the part immediately after she was raped, as revealed in later chapters. I think you were trying to let the reader gradually discover the details of what happened to Maerad? But I think that some of the language in the storm scene is relatively mild (such as "scolding her for being so careless", like a mother over some spilt tea), and in most of it she seemed wholly focused on the storm. I liked the description of Maerad in the storm in general, but I think more of a vibe of focused-on-the-storm-to-avoid-focusing-on-the-rece nt-traumatic-experience might have jibed better with the later revelations.
Overall, an enjoyable and interesting fantasy adventure beginning. Good luck with your writing!
| Eleve Osirian 2/6/13 . chapter 13
(For my own reference, a PM from Blue-Inked Frost sent as follow up, regarding edits made to this chapter)
These are the things that jumped out at me this time, which hopefully will be reasonably consistent with my first time!
I thought the first part was better - it conveyed Cadvan's mood more solidly and consistently. It felt more concrete and descriptive, which is good.
Minor grammatical error - "as the full weight of exhaustion settle over him"; should be 'settled'.
""I will never be whole again" - This is something that it's understandable for the character to feel, and something that makes me sad as a reader (which could be a good thing!). Women are not ruined forever because someone chose to commit a violent act against them, and not all people victimised by rape have difficulty forming later romantic relationships. But it's definitely understandable for a particular character to have those feelings, and they are cultural tropes.
"His heart twisted and he whispered, "It's time."" I wondered - how did he know this? Shouldn't Maerad know better than he what time the hearing is?
"Bards of the First circle" - another nitpick, shouldn't Circle also get a caps because it's part of the title?
"She realized with a heavy conscience, that Malgorn had arranged this in such a way" - This wording seemed odd to me; why is it on her conscience that Malgorn has arranged himself to speak?
I thought that overall the council scene felt more succinct and interesting for me to read this time around, so kudos for that. :)
"She knew the pain it caused, and wondered if that's why" - minor nitpick, should be 'that was why'.
I also thought that the council scene felt more dramatic, with the language more vivid and the arguments stronger, and the buildup to the crisis points more obvious. I definitely liked this version of that scene better!
Another part I enjoyed was this one - "In a single instant, a thousand moments were shared silently and Maerad remembered what she liked most about Cadvan - his smile, his kindness, his selflessness - all the things that she thought were impossible to receive from anyone, let alone a man. She knew then, that she would heal, and that as before, since the day they had met, he would help her and stand by her side, even if it meant harm to himself. She knew then that she didn't just like him. She loved him." I reckon that to a reader who's seen the buildup of these two characters' relationships, that part would seem very beautiful and fulfilling. I like how that part specified exact qualities Maerad liked in him.
I also, again, enjoyed the chapter ending and the ambiguity about Cadvan's penance - a good way to keep your readers looking forward to the next chapter!
Hope that this feedback also helps. :)
| Amber 2/4/13 . chapter 13
I would love for you to continue with this story! You have an enchanting style of writing. The Books of Pellinor are some of my favorites. :)
| Blue-Inked Frost 1/31/13 . chapter 13
From the Story Review Game, without knowledge of the preceding chapters or canon -
"the Healing houses" - nitpick, should 'Healing' be capitalised if it's being used as an adjective here?
The first paragraph struck me as more exposition than description and detail - it felt plain to me, without much variance in sentence structure or colour in the writing. The second paragraph gave more of a sense of the character's feelings and experiences.
In the first paragraph and the first half of the second, it struck me as basically a feeling of weariness; and then suddenly there's the sentence about a shock being forever engrained on Cadvan's mind, "The shock of what had happened had not fully registered in his mind until Malgorn and Silvia's visit forever ingrained it there, just like today would." It seemed to me as if the shock should have been integrated in the preceding material, although reading Chapter 12 might've made this clearer to me.
"By the light, he winced" - You can't wince a thought, so this should have been two separate sentences (the first italicised for thought as you had it).
The description of Maerad's actions, I thought, gave me a good sense of her character even just in this chapter. :)
"He didn't bother mentioning his visit with Malgorn and Silvia the previous day; he'd have time to talk to her about it later, after the Council was finished and the stress of it over with." - This bit seemed to me to see-saw over Cadvan's level of stress about the visit from Malgorn and Silvia. Before he's crushed down, battered, and having his spirit ache, and now he's not bothering to mention it and a piece of "stress" will be over for him soon?
"absent mindedly" - this is more commonly one word or joined with a dash.
"Their friendship had once again taken up comfortable residence" - I'm not sure that 'residence' is the right word in the right place here; it's grammatically correct, but the metaphor seems to fade out when the clause does, since it doesn't specify where their friendship is comfortably residing.
Another caps note - "Bards" shouldn't be capitalised any more than "police officers", "teachers", or "musicians", since it's a general name for a profession. (But I don't know if your source canon capitalises that.)
I did think that the heartfelt conversation between Maerad and Cadvan successfully invoked some emotions. And coming to just this chapter, I found myself feeling intrigued by Maerad's past history of killing someone (and I always like seeing female characters with proactive agency, whether they misuse it or not).
"There were other Bards also, slightly familiar faces, including Anhil's present," - 'present' is redundant, unless Anhil gave someone a present of a face.
"Their seats were arranged in a manner that was similar to an oval" - why doesn't it just say 'Their seats were arranged in an oval', or 'in a rough oval'? That wording seemed unnecessarily convoluted to me with little significance.
"kill his Cousin" - another caps that shouldn't be. Capitalising 'Knowing' to refer to a specific type of lore is fine, or "the First Bards" to refer to some specific bards in office, but a cousin is just a cousin.
"Although she was grateful for having been spared the burden of explaining what happened, she felt like she had been robbed further of her dignity; it had happened to her, and it was her responsibility to share it if she chose." - I liked this characterisation point here.
My interest flagged a bit in the council scene, where it seemed to me that some of the speeches could have been cut to be more succinct. For example: "Cadvan, the members of this council are aware that you went to Nenn and likely understand why you traveled there. However, for the purposes of this council, I want you to tell the members present one thing - why did you not come first to see Malgorn or myself? As First Bards, this matter could have been dealt with in an entirely different manner that would not have resulted in your cousin's death." That could've been cut down -
"Cadvan, we are aware you went to Nenn and we may understand why. However, I want you to answer one question - why did you not come first to see Malgorn or myself? As First Bards, Malgorn and I could have resolved this matter peaceably." (The part about 'As First Bards' might not even have been necessary at all, given that the reader might be able to deduce that Malgorn or Silvia could've dealt with it differently.)
"She felt Cadvan look upon her for a moment and then lifted his eyes towards Silvia. "I doubt that anyone, in a similar situation, would be able to let another fight in their stead for the person they love.""
I felt there were some patriarchal assumptions packed in this part, namely that it's a man's responsibility to avenge the rape of a woman he's attached to, and she may not have a voice in her own revenge or justice. Then again, if a male character's brother was badly injured by another male character, I would find it understandable for him to seek revenge on the guilty party. If the results of a female character being raped are mostly about a male character's character development and seeking revenge, then that can have unfortunate implications. But I did feel that the story was giving attention to Maerad's point of view and developing her as a character - it's just that I've also seen the trope misused a lot of times.
Missing full stop here - "Penance has been paid. Our presence here is no longer required; Malgorn will find us after it has ended"
I thought that bringing up Cadvan's past heroism was somewhat irrelevant to his accidental murder of Cyril: so if you save x numbers of people, you get off scot free for y amount of murder? This is a reader's external reaction rather than a critique - it might be the characters themselves deciding to act in a flawed way, but as a reader I'd want to see narrative hints of the unfairness of letting someone off causing someone's death solely because they were a great person otherwise. But coming to the chapter independently, I don't have the full information on exactly what happened and how culpable Cadvan was in murdering the wrong person.
I liked the way you ended the chapter with the unanswered question about the verdict, and what penance was assigned to Cadvan. Overall, I liked this. Good luck with your story!
| Astiza 1/4/13 . chapter 13
I couldn't believe it when I saw the New Chapter update in my inbox. I love this story - this really makes me want to go back and reread the series after all these years.
You write beautifully and you do a great job keeping everyone in character. The issues in this fic were addressed well too. I love this story; thanks so much for writing.
| Aqua-lily6 1/4/13 . chapter 13
I had thought you had given up writing! Thank goodness you havent! Brilliant chapter! Please dont leave it so long to update again!
| SyrenHug 9/9/12 . chapter 12
This is just lovely.
| ChloeAndDerek4Eva 8/1/12 . chapter 12
really good i couldnt stop reading it :)
| turtlelover0511 3/21/12 . chapter 12
Awwwww :D Yay! Maerad and Cadvan are okay now! This was a great chapter! Please update soon :)
| Kipitry 12/13/11 . chapter 11
Enjoyable. My only comaint is that Malgorn was very OOC. He's a perfect host no matter what, he would have at least found a healer for Cadvan right away. Other than that I think you wrote the story very well. Maerad and Cadvan were very believable.
| Astiza 8/30/11 . chapter 11
Ah! You've updated (: I had all but left the Pellinor fandom and just on a whim I decided to nip over and see if it was still active and I saw you'd updated your story! So I reread it and love it all over again. Great chapter; Poor Cadvan ):
| xLaramiex 8/25/11 . chapter 11
Oh no! I was so excited to read this and now I'm all worried and sad! This is, of course, a result of how good your writing is, and should be taken as a compliment. Hopefully there will be a shorter gap between chapters next time (and a shorter gap until I review. Sorry about that).
| MickeyDawn 8/24/11 . chapter 11
No! you did not kill Cadvan? why did you Kill Cadvan?
| GuenVanHelsing 8/3/11 . chapter 11
Aww, poor Cadvan! He's very bad at swallowing his pride, isn't he? ) Very good writing, and I can't wait to read more!