  you know who
2009-05-18 . chapter 1 brilliant padfoot. as always. yes, i did re-read it but i love it anyway...
Is pizza calling your name?
OMG Remember bacon and eggs and sausage?
Well, we had a pizza too.
Farewell.
the one, the only,
Masper |
  Eleve Osirian
2009-01-12 . chapter 1I decided I'd review for you. Note that I haven't read the books (blasphemy I know) so my review will focus on sentences and what I can derive from what you've presented. I enjoyed reading this piece, and hope my suggestions will help.
Suggestions:
Could be having a complete dumb moment here but did you mean to say, "every evening till gone midnight"?
"at least nobody ever asked any questions"-you could cut this sentence down and avoid the uneeded words. An example might be, "At least nobody asked questions." You do need the ever and any because it just weighs the sentence down and makes it a bit sluggish. Check your other sentences for little things like this.
The first sentence you say, "the two of them." In the following paragraph, the first sentence also contains the same thing. "there were two of them." We know there are two, so you don't need to repeat this. (you could, but I would word it differently if you keep it)
Careful of repetitive words like flat, then, etc. Try using a different word to describe the place your characters are living. For nitpicky readers, it gets old.
And some advice a beta reader gave me. "Try to avoid the as, then, and which's"-they make your writing seem more amaturish and elementary than it is. It's something I too, need to work on, but I thought I would pass it along to you. =) |
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