|Reviews for Hello|
| Joe 11/30/11 . chapter 1
This makes a little more sense if people have read the other stories but it is still kind of obvious what happened.
Poor Mewtwo... Lost his first friend right away.
| AnimeGirl1220 5/23/10 . chapter 1
Awww, that was so sad... I love this couple, and this was a great story!
| Doubleblade Miriko 1/2/10 . chapter 1
Wow... I'm crying. This is one of the most beautifull Mewtwo fics I've ever read and this is just... Right. That's just how he felt then, it's perfect. I was also feeling sad and angry, I really thought for a one minute that I was Mewtwo, learning those things for the first time. And Hello is a great song it fits perfectly to this. You write Mewtwo so well, I'm hoping that there will be more Mewtwo fics from you in the future. Thank you.
| Story Snob 7/25/09 . chapter 1
I am very fond of Mewtwo’s origination story. It’s something that I’ve always been tempted to write myself. Poor fella; he’s had such a tragic life. That’s what makes him such a fun character, of course; someone as intelligent, tortured, and nigh-psychotic as Mewtwo makes for excellent fiction. He almost doesn’t belong in the Pokemon universe, he’s so serious and messed up. (One note before I continue: I know the Amber/Mewtwo story in summary only. I won’t be able to compare it to your work in detail.)
It’s difficult to write from a newborn perspective, because they don’t have definitions or words for, well, everything. You’d have to work with your basic five senses of perception (sight, smell, taste, hearing, touch). Therein lies the trouble, I’m afraid! There’s a rather glaring problem here: your Mewtwo understands abstract concepts before he understands concrete physical concepts. For example: he doesn’t know what teeth are, but he knows what a conversation is; he knows that Amber is pretty, but he’s never seen anything like her before. You see how this is awkward? This is the complete opposite of how an infant would learn about its world.
I think what would help you in this case is to “show, not tell.” Describe the scene; use the five senses. I think you’re right to use simple words and sentences, which are most applicable to these little ones. You might have to switch to third-person omniscient to properly treat this scene since Mewtwo’s growing mind will first see things as a series of feelings and vague concepts, which are close to impossible to translate to first person perspective. I suggest describing what he sees first, because Mewtwo is literally a test-tube baby. Thus, his senses of smell, taste, and touch will not be quite as important, and sounds will be muffled and warped by the liquid he floats in. Imagine the state of a newborn and move from there; consider their limitations. It’ll improve the story a great deal. (Note: I wrote this as I was reading; initially, I didn’t realize they weren’t in their tubes, but were in a sort of middle-ground between waking and dreaming. Still, I think the concept is good enough to keep in mind.)
Another difficulty – actually, your greatest difficulty – lies in the vague description. When you describe Charmandertwo, Bulbasaurtwo, and Squirtletwo, as well as the Remember Place, the descriptions are so bland that they’re almost confusing. “Thing,” “something,” “item,” and “object” are words that should be avoided at all costs! This is a case where you’d probably be better off describing sparingly and accurately, trusting the reader to understand what Mewtwo is seeing and sensing – or you might have Amber rattling off a list of nouns. Concentrate on accuracy and clarity. We can’t read your mind to know what you mean, and not all of us have seen the Mewtwo origination special.
For the first example, consider, “We all turned to it in wonder as its face turned to a look of something I thought I saw in Amber earlier.” What was the sound the Charmander made? What, in the multitude of “things” that Mewtwo saw in Amber, were they seeing? We have no clue; it’s just not clear. Second example: instead of “Suddenly, something flew into my face, making me turn away from it and the Sun” (which made me think of renegade Pidgeots and fallen leaves and all kinds of other solid objects, not wind), you might say, “Suddenly, an invisible current struck me and whirled me away from the Sun.”
Now, at first I didn’t like the first-person POV at all, but as the story went on, I really warmed up to it. I was really pulled into Mewtwo’s confusion. You really have a knack for understanding the simple logic of children. When Mewtwo, Amber, and the other three ‘twos started looking for Mewtwo’s parents, I was very touched. This is very much what I would expect for them to do! And I nearly shed a tear when Mewtwo started crying!
Sadly, the story becomes extremely melodramatic by the end, ruining the tragic moment; it’s definitely a place where “showing” rather than “telling” will help dramatically. It’s hard not to be overly dramatic in such places, but I think a little tweaking will tighten it up and keep it from losing its resonance. Also, I think you were in a bit of a hurry to finish it. Flesh it out. Make it clearer.
I don’t mean to sound overly negative, because this is a very interesting story and I enjoyed my read through it. However, the two major problems – a not quite “newborn” Mewtwo and the painfully vague description – do mar this somewhat. You can definitely fix it, though. You’re perfectly able! Most people would have written quite boring affairs, but your version is very sweet. Rich character development is a precious and rare thing in fanfiction, and I’m always glad to see someone working hard to include it.
Keep up the lovely work!
| auradream 6/15/09 . chapter 1
*finishes* ...But why?
Hey, you started the sentence, I had to end it! -
| Uldaren Bardaniel 4/6/09 . chapter 1
Oh! I'm crying! Wah! Well written! This storyline always made me cry so much.
| She Who Loves Pineapples 1/30/09 . chapter 1
So sad! ;_; I really love the story of Mewtwo and Amber, nice portrayal of it.
| Farla 12/7/08 . chapter 1
"Voices rang in the darkness, sounds I never recognized before."
Do you mean Mewtwo hasn't heard them before, or that Mewtwo has heard them before but this is the first time he's recognizing them? If the former, you shouldn't be saying recognized, and if the latter, it'd be clearer if it was spelled out as sounds he'd heard before.
This is the main problem I have throughout this. You do a pretty good job having Mewtwo describe things as if he's never seen anything before, but the language is just slightly too flowery. It seems weird for his internal narration, and it makes it harder to follow.
The story as a whole is pretty good. I'm already familiar with the CD drama so a lot of it ended up being a rehash, but you do a good job of filling it in with Mewtwo's narration and you keep his description of things detailed enough that it's clear he's never seen them before, without going into so much detail the reader has no idea what the object is.