Aw. That was cute. And interspersed with funny moments. Such as:

- a glorified loudspeaker
- "What do you think he does?”
“Beats me. He’s no drink-bot, that’s for sure.”

And the idea of a rotten egg-in-a-cup... wow. That's just weird. And... funny? : )

John and Mary sounded just like teenagers. Wow. : )

<3
I can't help but love this . . .
Mary and John didn't get nearly enough screen time in the movie.
And they're the two coolest humans!

X3
I can't help but love this.
Mary and John are some of the most overlooked characters in the WALL-E movie, and they're basically the first humans to rediscover their roots as true human beings.
It's AWESOME how you continued that adorable little scene of the two of them at the pool, and so well!
I can't wait to see what else you have in store.
This is going to be fun!

I was just browsing through this section and stumbled upon your story. I clicked on it to read it, expecting something different, and that's exactly what I got! :)

Although WALL-E and EVE absolutely stole the show, even though I love them to death, John and Mary are indeed underappreciated. I love the way you built upon one of the few scenes they were featured in. And on top of that, you did it well. This might as well have been in the movie, or in the original script at the very least. Both were very in character, I could hear their voices saying everything in this story. And probably my favorite aspect of it: the emotions you were trying to convey came across perfectly, and at the same time you gave us a glimpse of life aboard the Axiom.

I adore this. Absolutely adore this. Please, please continue this story, I would like very much to read more of this! :)

Love it !! I remember these two ... Walle is funny, how it makes us look like lazy people and come to think of it we are !!

I admit I didn't have much interest in these two throughout the many times I've watched the film, but this story here has helped me come to appreciate them a lot more! You do a wonderful job fleshing out their personalities and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I'd love to see more!

This is absolutely adorable.

Overall: Very nice! Good tie-in to the film at multiple points along the way, including some pleasant surprises.

The interaction between the characters feels good. They are who knows how old, but young in terms of interpersonal relationships: your dialog feels right.

[quote]
“The [lido>Lido] deck is now closing…The [lido>Lido] deck is now closing.”
[/quote]

[quote]
The artificial sky of the Axiom was dark and a crescent moon hung high on the ceiling with twinkling stars. Other lights on the deck began to shut off. Hover-chairs carried their human passengers, all clad in blue, in single file lines toward the exits.

All humans, that is, except for two.
[/quote]

This is a nice contrast statement, but it seems to me that you might tinker with the wording slightly. By using the line "x, that is, except for y" you are spinning off of an "x" condition stated. But the wording "All humans" isn't quite stated -- so the words don't echo properly.

By having a line like "All the humans were being carried..." then the repeater line "All the humans, that is..." it causes the desired echo-and-contrast.

[quote]To anyone passing by the exchange would have sounded like an argument.[/quote]

Without a comma, the reader is likely to take "to anyone passing by the exchange" as a single phrase. A comma after "by" stops them at the right place.

[quote]But if they bothered to look away from their holo-screens and turn their heads, it would be obvious that what was happening between this man and woman was the furthest thing from an argument.[/quote]

I like the feel of this, but it shifts verb tenses a bit oddly.

[quote]The man continued to playfully kick water at the woman, who was now laughing too hard to kick back at him. He wasn’t sure why, but he was really enjoying this. “I didn’t know we had a pool!” he exclaimed.[/quote]

Another nice grounding point, tying us back to the movie.

The "he exclaimed" almost seems unnecessary here, as the rest of the paragraph provides the speech attribution, and the exclamation mark pretty much tells us he exclaimed.

[quote]The machine burst into a shower of sparks and fell over, but not before attempting to repeat its fizzling message one last time. “No splashing. No …” [/quote]

*chuckle* Did it actually fall over? The speaker came loose, it seems...

[quote]“Uh-oh, you broke it!” the woman teased. “You’re gonna get in trouble, John!”[/quote]

I wonder how much trouble passengers get into on the Axiom; no one has touched on crimes and misdemeanors, or even misbehaviors. Interesting.

[quote]John turned back to her and grinned. “Nah, that bot was defective already. Say, how long has this pool been here, anyway?”

The woman, Mary, shrugged her shoulders. “Who cares? I’m not getting out until you’re wetter then I am!”[/quote]

Perfect. Speech attribution without having to say it. Nice and natural.

[quote]She started splashing him harder then before, and soon they were both back to laughing again. After a while, both of them wound up out of breath and just as wet as the other.[/quote]

This is one of those things that sounds right spoken but looks a little odd written down. "both ... as wet as the other" might technically be "each" instead.

[quote]“That was fun[.>,]” Mary said, rubbing her legs dry. “I mean really fun!”[/quote]

[quote]“Oh, you’re a holo-dater?” John asked. He had met Mary no more then half-an-hour ago, so there was still much he didn’t know about her. In fact, she was the first person he had ever talked to with no holo-screen in the way. Real life interaction with a real live person was proving far more interesting then the virtual type.[/quote]

I like the implication here. Holo-dating is rare, but direct interaction essentially non-existent -- so even virtual interaction along those lines is an unusual thing.

[quote]“Ah.” John laid his towel on his lap and tried to come up with something else to say, something charming. “I like tennis, too.”[/quote]

I can just hear PR-T's comment on John at this point. "Oh, I know, honey. Men!"

[quote]Right after his hand landed on top of hers their eyes met. That was it. The weird feelings had started even before they said ‘hi’.[/quote]

It seems that a word is missing before "their eyes met." "And", perhaps?

[quote]Mary then brought John to the [lido>Lido] deck to show him the pool she had discovered.[/quote]

Another nice tie in! And now it's obvious why the pair wound up at that spot. Nicely played!

[quote]Now there was nobody else around her except for a pair of stewards and John.

They sat there side by side for several moments, completely quiet.[/quote]

This juxtaposition wants to suggest that the stewards were part of that side-by-side as well. Perhaps "The pair sat there side by side..."

[quote]John thought for a moment. “You mean like when there are tons of people around you, but you don’t feel like they’re really there?”[/quote]

Of course, from our perspective of the people on the Axiom, "tons of people" is not very many. ];-)

[quote]“I never thought about it, either, until today.” Mary said, still looking at the fake sky. “I think I started to realize it after I met …What was his name? Oh yeah, WALL·E.”[/quote]

We naturally write his name that way, as an acronym. But would the humans who met him think (and speak) in those terms? He has the letters (rather faded) on his front, but this seemed a bit odd.

I liked John's story; I can hear it in his voice.

Nice work! I've got to go, but let me know if you want further noodlings on the story.

=|=/ Level Head