lol chapter! Monty python was priceless!

First, I have to get one thing out of the way. If I don't do this now, I may forget.

Ahem.

SQUE! SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T BUTCHER THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! I'M SO HAPPY! *Waterfall tears of joy*

Ahem.

ANYWAY, I have to say it does seem like your use of humor is improving with each chapter. The first chapter was interesting enough, but in terms of being funny, it could've done better. I see you enjoy Monty Python. Monty Python is all right, but I can recommend better. You may have already seen these, but I'm going to throw them out anyway, just in case.

Any of Mel Brooks films. His movies are hilarious. He has done Robin Hood: Men in Tights (classic), Blazing Saddles, High Anxiety, History of the World Part One, Spaceballs...

This stuff is hilarious. If you want to improve your use of humor, watch and learn. Also, read some Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams (if you haven't already). They write some funny stuff. Here on the internet you can find Dave Barry, who works for the Miami Herald. He is also a great, funny writer.

Excellent characterization so far. Because this is a parody, the characters are doing some things they wouldn't normally do. This is expected. I have to say, though, you couldn't have chosen anyone better to play the voice of "God" than Donny. He does strike me as the mischievous sort.

I have a few pieces of advice. It's nothing too major. I see you have fallen into a trap that many writers do starting out, including myself.

The trap goes something like this:

He whispered.
He muttered.
He exclaimed.
He realized.
He repeated.
He started.
He continued.
He demanded.
He shouted.
He stammered.
He announced.

I could go on and on. This may seem counter-intuitive, and it's hard to get used to (I'm still working on getting used to it), but you need to stop using them. Try only using "said" or "asked" if necessary. The reason is this: The words kind of distract from the story, whereas "said" and "asked" blend in. Words like "stammered" and "shouted" are unnecessary.

If a character says: "YOU IDIOT!"

He obviously shouted (yelled, etc.) that, so you don't need to put shouted.

If a character says: "B-but..."

He obviously stammered it. You don't need to put stammered. Every once in a while, you can throw in a different word, but consistently doing it a story-writing no-no. A lot of times, you don't even need to use "said" or "asked" for dialogue. I've noticed that you're starting to pick up on that already, so I'm going to point out a specific example.

“Ooh,” Max held his head in his hand.

I'll show you a spot where you could've done without the "baggage."

"I jus' sent 'im on a wild goose chase," Donny snickered, causing everyone else on the roof to break out with laughter.

You could have put it like this:

"I jus' sent 'im on a wild goose chase." Donny gestured to Max with a snicker, and everyone else on the roof broke out with laughter.

Another subject I would like to mention to you is the use of adverbs. This is another trap (one I, too, am struggling to get out of). Adverbs should be used sparingly. They, too, are unnecessary. Sometimes, a different verb or an entirely different set of words can convey so much more than a weak verb with an adverb attached. Sometimes, dropping the adverb works just as well.

As an example:

“Hey, wook at dis, Cedwic! I made my firsht cwock aw by myshelf!” Max said proudly in a high-pitched voice as he presented his first complex machine to his tutor.

“Hey, wook at dis, Cedwic! I made my firsht cwock aw by myshelf!” Max said in a high-pitched voice as he presented his first complex machine to his tutor.

We get that cute widdle Maximilly-willy is proud of his first clock because of the whole "aw by myshelf" thing.

You should read some books authors have written about writing. It's been helpful to me. :)

Like I said, these aren't any major things. They're subtle, but it could help your writing improve. As it stands now, though, you ARE one of the better writers on . One of the few, the proud, and the desperate.

AHH HAHAHAHA! THIS IS HILARIOUS! Is this what you, the master of drama, are capable of when you use your funny bone?! MAKE MORE! MORE, I SAY! HYUCK HYUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!

LOL. I wondered about that 'storm' myself! Funnier than the first chapter I must admit. Well done.

Nice start. Looks promising.
Advise I could offer as a fellow DC2 noveliser:

- Don't make the terrible mistake I did and stick too strictly to the game, else you could get stuck with something that makes no sense. Don't be afraid to take artistic license and deviate from the original

- Of course, anyone who would read DC2 fanfics probably knows DC2 back to front, but that doesn't mean an author is allowed to take shortcuts as many fanfic authors do (I to am guilty of this in some cases). Remember to write the story as though it's a real novel which might be published and available for people who have no idea what DC2 is about, not just for people who already know what the settings and the characters look like. Good, strong descriptions will be more appealing, even to those who already know the game.

Hope to see more of this soon!