|Reviews for Mini Break|
| Harley-Cat 4/30/09 . chapter 1
This storywin. 'Nuff said;)
| princessebee 12/30/08 . chapter 1
ROFLES! This one is quite adorable. I very much enjoy the technique of dialogue only.
This one builds very well to the punchline at the end, but I think the final line could've been a bit stronger. I would say this is my principle criticism of your work, the endings fall a bit flat. Nothing that an edit can't fix (and I know with batfic_contest you're working to a deadline so it's understandable) and the rest of the pieces are generally very good. With this one, the carriage ride remark is so very cute as is Mistah J's response, but the final line just feels a bit... indefinite? To a point, it communicates Harley's resignation. Perhaps it's just the elipses which weakens it. Maybe switch that to the beginning of the sentence to indicate a pause, maybe a sigh, then the give in.
| Badr 12/29/08 . chapter 1
I love the format here, all dialogue and no description. Also, the list of things to pack. I have to say, though, that while you more or less nail both of their voices perfectly, there were a few moments it seemed a bit...forced? Not out of character, but not quite right, either. For instance: "Business is always a pleasure when you enjoy what you do, Harl. So there we have it. To Metropolis it is! And don’t forget to pack my thicker socks – it gets pretty nippy there this time of year." It seems a bit too matter-of-fact, I guess. You should watch your punctuation, too-the lack of commas (usually in direct address) can get a little distracting.
Anyway, those two points aside, brilliant as always. I'm glad you've been posting some more stories! :)
| MazokuTenshi 12/29/08 . chapter 1