   Charlett
2009-01-24 . chapter 8Good luck on your conference, I know you'll do well.
The part in Chapter 7 where Scout assaults Medic was... it felt flat. It was almost obvious that the group would have killed them for what she did; intelligence or no, their world lives on Eye for an Eye.
I'm not saying you should change that part, because I understand that changing it would change most if not all of the story later on. Just make sure that you don't repeat a scene like that.
Also, it seems like a lot of the characters really like BLU Spy. Is she their leader? It looks more like Sniper is. Remember that while the group are really tight knit, the characters should focus on every member of the group, not just Spy. Yes, Spy is worried about Medic, but that wouldn't make all of the festivities immediately grind to a halt. You COULD say, however, that the sobering thought of their losses and Demoman's injuries could also bring them down. Then it's much more believable that they're not feeling well.
The moment you mentioned BLU Medic had died previously, I immediately assumed that you're going to have RED Medic replace him at some point. To avoid people assuming things, hold off talking about him. Who knows? BLU Medic could have hung back at the base; you don't have to mention him unless you absolutely have to. When they get back to the base, have Spy ask where he is. Once the people tell her that he's dead, have her voice the immediate assumptions that the readers think. A good way to keep your spy from seeming Mary Suish is to have her voice a desire to have RED Medic join, and then have someone (probably the leader) put the idea down. "He's the enemy, even if he did help you!"
That way the story doesn't seem so one dimensional, and the characters voice their own opinions and put down the ideas of not only the readers, but also your own. If your characters fight a reader's idea, it immerses the reader in the story a little better, and gives the characters a sense of three dimensions.
In GOOD news, I liked Demoman's sticky jumping. That was a cool idea to get Spy away from the battle. I'm being nitpicky here, but I winced when I read that part, and wondered how Demoman would take it with Spy in his arms. Did she get hurt as well? How did Demoman land to keep her safe? Think about questions the readers might ask while reading your story, and answer them in your descriptions and narrations.
I hope this helped; keep up your work! I'll continue reading and cheering you on the sidelines!
Much Love:
-Charlett |
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