Nice job. I think I like thic couple. :)

wow this is the first time I read a story with them great job!

Hi! This actually isn't a drabble. A drabble is a piece of exactly 100 words, and yours is roughly thrice as long. The word "drabble" gets thrown away casually these days, but a better term for this is a "ficlet." Now, there were grammar errors to fix; I'm not going to lie about that. Other readers have suggested detailed corrections, so why not implement them? As I was reading, the tense shifts and the few sentences that didn't make sense stood out to me. Consider these:

~ *the look in her eyes was difficult to tell what she was thinking, --> [From] the look in her eyes[, it] was difficult--
~ *tongue slithering and tasting, tracing his initials into her skin. --> [His] tongue is slithering and tasting, tracing his initials [onto] her skin.

For narration, use only one tense, commonly the past tense. Currently, the narration switched at least between these: present tense (takes, chuckles), present participle (his eyes are now following), and past tense (noticed). Also, the perspective semed to switch from his to hers -- was this intentional? I felt it was distracting in a such short piece. You might like someone to help out with the proofreading and catching things like this. Shopping around for a good beta pays itself back manyfold. This fic was tantalizing, and you've all the elements to create very enjoyable fics: this had powerful, descriptive word choices (tongue is slithering and tasting, a spell trapping the man) and showed an eye for detail ("the man's eyes flutter at her touch").

Having a "he" and a "she" as the only characters gets a little dull in he long run, so go ahead and use the proper names (Jin, Zafina) every once in a while, too. I bet you would write a titillating love scene with these two if you took the good elements you already had here and expanded upon them. The idea of a power game between these two, especially when the Devil mingles with it, is fascinating. Keep writing and have fun at it!

This is really good sis. It just had a few grammar/speeling mistakes but yeah, it's scorchin'!

This couple is hot. I like this. ^^

I have...some problems with this. As already mentioned, the grammar and spelling need much work. However, even with proper punctuation and coherent sentances, there are still some other things that need to be addressed.

First, there is the issue of story. There is no reason for them to get together other than the writer simply wanted them to be, so there they are...bored...nothing on tv...so they make out. We are introduced to them with basically nothing but the author's say-so that they would even be interested.

If humans made mating decisions like this in life, no one would ever be without a date. "You. You're convenient. Get down."

Now this is described as a drabble, so perhaps motivation isn't of primary importance. That being the case, then characterization is key. The characters portrayed in this work are nothing like the characters have been established in their originating franchise. The author would have been better served to just come up with their own original characters rather than force personalities and situations on existing characters that don't fit.

Some of you who have lauded this work may feel I am being unduly harsh. If so, you will find no apology from me. I would urge the author to go back and rethink the situation and not just approach writing as if it begins and ends with the act of putting words on paper.

Writing, as an art form, should convey some sort of meaning or emotion or point. Without those, it is just words on paper. Writing, as an art form, should have a rhythm and a sense of coherence. Without those, it is just words on paper.

What the author has delivered to us reads very much like a personal fantasy, but without any context to allow the reader to properly emphathize with that fantasy, and as a result it cannot resonate with the reader unless they are predisposed to sharing that fantasy. For those who don't, it's very much like someone announcing an odd fetish that they have and hoping other people just "get it".

On a more specific note, if you are talking about actions that are happening in your narrative, it is jarring to have a phrase like "now they are possibly wrestling..." Either they are or they aren't. That wasn't dialogue, that was narrative. If the author is going to show the action, they should at least be confident to know what they are writing. Leaving it up to the reader's interpretation, I chose to believe that they were "possibly" wrestling against each other, but due to bad positioning, it turned out that Jin was actually wrestling with a nearby fern.

I would suggest that in the future the author try to recall moments of passion in their own life in order to more convincingly portray the interactions of their characters. As it is described, it sounds more like something the author thinks is the proper thing to say, but it reeks of artifice and insincerity.

Wow, this is great. I like how your writing skills are improving. I think I like this couple already.

Great one shot Yo!

Well written and assome clever paring :'D lol

keep up wit this paring hope u'll write more sometime ja ja :'D

~He knows as much as she does that she is helpless to his touch, and begins to tremble slightly beneath him as he presses a lingering kiss against the ivory expanse of her neck. - Hot! X].

~"Just try me again." - Nice.

As previous reviewers have said, just fix up the grammar / spelling mistakes and you're good ta go. (: I like the vague-y feel to it, as well. I actually just really like vaugue things in general, haha - anyway, good job :).

Hey ho. Clever little thing you have here. A few grammer and spelling issues here and there, but nothing that can't be sorted by a quick lookover. Awesome one shot with really good writing quality. Thumbs up to you.

Concrit first:
'Now he's stiffed...' - It's stiff.
'... to toxic...' - 'too' instead of 'to'
'She chuckles almost devilishly as she noticed the man's eyes would flutter at her touch.' - take out 'would'.
'againts' - it's 'against'
'one-another' - take out the hyphen. They're two seperate words.
'She growled at his action towards he.' - Um, it's 'her' at the end, right?
'excat' - it's 'exact'
'...with the tricks he got up his sleeve' - replace 'got' with 'had'
I know, I know. Overwhelming. Don't take it too badly. Even I have issues with grammar and spelling.
On the plus side:
1. Hot couple ;)
2. Great overall feel to the fic
3. Third paragraph was total win!
You're a lil' rough around the edges but you've got potential. A definite addition to the fave list!

Beautifully brilliant, though I can't help but wonder why Zafina is always depicted as a seductive woman. D: Regardless. AWESOME!