|Reviews for Lil' Slugger's Last|
| T0M Serv0 4/12/09 . chapter 1
I haven't been in this category since forever and I guess I shouldn't have worried considering the slow crawl it has (guess when the craze has faded, so have the fans). So be flattered in a way that I decided to read just your story before I find something else to occupy my time.
[The only thing that was ever mine were my golden eyes. Those glinting orbs were the only things that were ever truly mine.]
Really? Where does it say that?
[My, well, I guess she's sort of my mother, created me when she was younger.]
[My eyes eventually gained the ability to turn completely red. I don't know if that was because of a rumor or not.]
No, it's just your imagination.
[That stupid woman thought I actually enjoyed hurting people who were emotionally cornered.]
Okay, I can guess which woman you are talking about, but it's easier for us to just give a name.
[But being me is a lonely existence. Well, who do you think would hang out with a murderous kid that swung at people with a bent metal bat?]
But he's NOT a real kid.
[ou'd be wrong if you thought I never made a friend. It's been fifteen years since she's seen me, but she existed.]
Of course, yet another female self insert.
[ We've both grown now. Matter of fact, at the moment, I'm watching her. Call it stalking if you want. I have no intention of letting her get hurt. There's alot of thugs in Japan. ]
Why is he doing this? And Slugger can age?
[I'd love to thwack the guy on his head and take that lucky prick's place. It would be easy for me to make myself look exactly like him but then there would be a sudden dissapearance of Lil' Slugger and she would probably make that connection herself. ]
Well, there's the obvious first line that kind of bothers me, but I'll accept the fact that he's humanized and just go ahead with the other things that don't require him being human and that's his 'change'. He can change shape to match the appearance and mannerisms of another man that could dupe the woman he's married to? 'She' doesn't need to make the connection of Sluggers' dissappearance to know that her husband is not right in the head. Also, if Slugger is all 'grown up' why is he called 'lil'' and not 'Big Slugger' or something?
[Today is the day I tell her. I want to tell her she's mine, not his and that she has to come and stay with me and forget him. But no, that's not what I'm here to tell her.]
Why? Why are you in love with this woman? Why do you care?
The dialogue is a bit uneven and the structure can be better, as in please break between conversations.
My personal evaluation is that this story has been done to death before. Lil' Slugger being 'humanized' and having feelings for vague, cardboard cutout females is nothing new. The biggest problem is that your story is just way too vague. Why does he even care for her? And if he spends all his time stalking her, when 'she' asks him if he would even be there for this child's time, he goes no. Uhm, sure, even though it's extremely contradicting isn't it? I mean, if he admitted he's not going to be Lil' Slugger anymore by changing himself into this child's father, why does he say he won't have time to be a dad?
Well...you can continue the series if you want, but I personally think that it's better as a one-shot.
| Helena911 1/7/09 . chapter 1
I think you should make more! And give him a girlfriend!