There's a great plot to this, and I would love to see more. I would just suggest that maybe the paragraphs and quotes could be spaced or broken up a little bit, for easier reading.
Here's hoping you continue!

um, okay. This did not flow well, the pacing is choppy and the chapter needs more development.

Brian, you do know how to write, but the story is very nebulous. It seems unfinished, and I can't for the life of me see anything that makes it NC-17 (at least as yet). One stylistic point. I hate the expression "you guys."

This is the author of The Dark Side of Everything. I'm really happy with this story and I hope all the readers like this. Keep reading

its good brian. yea!-