I have always liked stories in which atleast some vermin are kind hearted and your fanfic is an awefully good one. I'm waiting for the next update!

“I sound like a tongue-flapping, windbag." Ah, lampshade hanging, how you soothe the writer's soul. This may be perhaps the only major problem is the verbosity (surprisingly, that is actually a word too, I was shocked) of some of your characters, particularly during monologues and such. Apparently it is something you are aware of as well if Arias' words are any sort of evidence.

Their planning perplexes me a tad as I'mm not sure if they are planning to fight or escape or escape then fight or fight then escape. The addition of a third brother (you may want to start foreshadowing earlier, especially with these characters, because they have a bit of a retroactive feel to them, and they certainly qualify ** late additions).

Some of the phrasing is off (missing words for some it seems) and some seems awkward. Simplifying the language in parts might be a good idea "he mended eye contact," and such seem awkward to me, but I suppose it tis my humbled opinion.

I enjoy your more in depth descriptions of the area though I would like to see a bit more commentary on them to add to their relevance. Since this is certainly 3rd person limited, it would only make sense that Beck's estimations of his surrounding would work themselves into the narration.

Anyways, this too was a good chapter, certainly seems that it is building to the climax (and if the law of an unfair world holds, what can go wrong shall invariably go wrong).

Best o' Luck, Kayla.
-Avel

And now we return to what I shall affectionately like to call "the goods." This most certainly a return to the plot and a return to what feels like the meatiest bit of the story.

Funnily enough (yes, I have learned to make paragraphs, thank you) I almost wish that you had gone farther with this piece as Markot, in spite of his intensity, seems a bit lenient (were they, Beck and Arias, speaking right in front of his when Beck insulted him in a relatively overt manner?) with his actions. It feels like it should be far more brutal than it was (it was a slap (backhand?), a swipe with the claws, a push and a boot to the throat? not too much of beatdown, especially not after such a challenge to his authority).

I do certainly wish that Arias had a stronger/stonier personality, I know he's got a soft spot for his bro, but one would assume under the circumstances he would be better able to obscure it from his father.

I love Kanus' character, twitchy, paranoid dudes are neat little secondary characters.

On the technical side this was solid, I think there was part missing a proper tense or something, but upon second inspection I can't find it again. Most of the diction and such is solid as well, perhaps some stronger/harsher language during the beatdown.

So, nice chapter here, I like where this conflict is going and I hope we have a satisfying climax coming up.

G'luck, Kayla.
-Avel

Beck's a bit of an academic when it comes to his life ain't he? Was certainly a wordy sort of chapter to be sure, and perhaps a bit too much so.
I like how you tried to break it up with the metaphorical battle with the beast (his conscience/demons, I assume), but I dunno if it stood out enough (maybe up the scare factor on the creature, right now its just "giant" and "shaggy," which kind of had me thinking of a big ol' shaggy dog (which in turn made me think of Tool Time, but that's just me having a Colbert moment). Perhaps even tie it to some boogeyman, since it feels like that's the way you were going with it, at the very least it seems like it ought to be more concrete and less abstract than it is in its current form.
On the technical side this chapter is a lot less tight than the previous one, especially the fourth paragraph. (ex: "hallow to his years," "not without lack" and "monster crept out from under its bed.") There's quite a bit of awkward phrasing in this chapter and I think a lot of it has to do with the metaphor and Beck's idle musings. I also curious as to the temporal placement of this world as it compares to Redwall ("cog in the machine" may or may not be an anachronism, though its always an awesome phrase). There's also a odd bit of "talking to himself" going on, which, while I do love me some internal turmoil, lacks differentiation between his own personal voice in his head and the voices (?) of his personal demons.
Again, I love the area that you're touching on, this chapter simply feels weaker/more cluttered than the first one. Anyways, hopefully I'll get another chapter read n' reviewed soon should school permit.
G'luck Kayla,
Avel
ps-oh, almost forgot this suggestion. "since the /victim before/ this squirrel," you might want to give an identity to this individual since they're stated as a turning point. That or just swap it out for something else.

S'been a while since I've even read anything by you, hasn't it?
This read much as I remember it (though I don't recall the cameo by his father) and is as evocative as I remember.
The set up of the scene is wonderful, though I do wish for a prologue (I want to see a bit more of Calum and I can't remember if she makes any further appearances).
The scene of torture itself is good, though I have a feeling of the scene being a bit too detatched as you seem to focus on the emotion of the scene, rather than what I can only assume would be the brutal physicality of it.
I think my biggest criticism would have to be that the characters are a bit superficial at this point, but I suppose with this being the beginning there is plenty of time to add depth.
Anyways, great beginning, Kayla, and good to see you back around (or would that be 'good to be back around')
Nice fic so far,
Avel

Yay for updates. :) I really liked the detail you put in the dream and it does sound pretty traumatizing. I also liked what you've done to Arias's character, though by your descriptions of his past self, I would be thinking that he wouldn't be 100% nice. Maybe he'd still have a bit of violence or something in him? And also, there seems to be a bit of brotherly love between them, so I'm thinking that perhaps they were closer when they were younger but drifted apart over the years. Anyways, I really liked this chapter and this coalition they've forged. Please keep writing. :)

~Jade TeaLeaf

Nice. I like the plot! Keep writing! :)

Ahh, a nice long satisfying chapter, not as dark, but good nonetheless.

So Beck is really set on escaping from the castle eh? I hope he finishes scouting out the place and escapes without too many injuries. Arik seems to be extremely keen when it comes to his son, sensing that the torture of Calum is bothering Beck more than usual just because he didn't report to him afterwards.

Good job with the intro of Kanus and Arias. Kanus seems to be a loyal servant and good friend, even though he is the "closest creature to a friend he had" and Arias seems to be the polar opposite of his father personality-wise, supporting Beck by reasoning instead of reprimanding. I'm sensing that you're gonna kill one of them off, but that's just me...

Also, nice descriptions of the choking and cliffhangar at the end, I can really imagine Beck laying on the ground gasping for air then passing out.

Write more please, I'm lovin it

~ Zaran

Kanus is SO my favorite character. He sounds so cute and I like pine martens. And as for Arias, yet another character I like. I hope they killed Arik, though. He's such a jerk! I really liked your writing style and descriptions in this chapter, especially where Arik was attacking Beck. It was very well done and I hope I get to see more of Karun and Arias as well. :)

~Jade TeaLeaf

Once again, your details of Beck's moral dilemna are exceptional and I can really feel for Beck's plight. Few stories can get me to feel anything, but yours just create a whole range from suspense to dread to pitying.

One problem I have is the transition between the beast and the mountain. After rereading that part a few times I got the idea that he went to sleep and the beast was just a corporeal being of his will to torture, a huge mountain of a beast, and that after it disappears, his determination to make things right or to stop torturing gets solidified? I don't know, that's my analysis.

I love it how Beck's conscience or some metaphyscial being keeps reminding him of his deed's like with the appearance and then disappearance of Callum's ghost with a pitying look in her eyes. I hope she becomes his moral guide, much like Martin is to Redwall.

I agree with Jade, dark, but excellent chapter that's stilling filling in details about the problem's Beck is facing. How about something about his background or a incident which seperates him from his father causing him o run away.

Keep writing, I'm just eating up your story and waiting for more

~ Zaran

And yet another dark chapter. It was very well-written, though it was a filler. However, I liked how we kind of got into Beck's head and learned about his seriously abusive father. I hope we get more background on him sometime soon.

Best thing I liked about this chapter, though, is Calum's ghost. I loved how it was just a glimpse and she didn't say anything prophetic or anything. The way you described it, it just seemed so... sad and full of impact. I guess now he gets that killing himself would never get anybeast back to life. Also, he'd just be replaced with another (probably sadistic) torturer.

Please update soon. :)

~Jade TeaLeaf

That is one of the saddest openings I have ever read... You write so well that I feel like I'm in the room with Calum as a ghost who can't do anything. Although Beck has a sympathetic side, his more beaten in savage part seems to be in control even while arguing internally with the sympathetic side. Even though this is a story, the young life of that squirrel should not have been taken away by a beast of some moral resolve. So sad, so well written, I hope you update soon

This is a very dark story. Your descriptions were really good and they brought out the fear and pain in the situation very well. Also, I can tell you that I do like Beck and Calum, though now that she's dead, I wonder if we'll ever get back to what she was doing in the castle? Anyways, this was an excellent introduction and I wonder who this next beast is? Keep writing. :)

~Jade TeaLeaf