 Deandra 2009-02-04 . chapter 1Ah, a nice thing to come home and discover after putting in overtime at work!
>the young sun brooded behind low clouds. - Don't recall if I told you, but this is a lovely poetic phrasing you used.
Some typos:
>the sound of orcs shrieking hung in the damp, damp air. - "damp, damp" seems pointlessly redundant
>Thorongil desired to reach join Thengel for he swore - "reach join" - need to remove something
>and others of his guard were rallying rallied to his defense. - "rallying rallied" - remove something
>Thorongil shook himself and followed.
All about, the riders busied - Not really anything wrong, but this is an abrupt change of direction in the story from fighting to burning the dead. Perhaps an ellipse marker like you use later to have Thorongil go from talking to Eomund to talking with Thengel.
>Conversation ceased between the king and the scout, as he gazed west toward the Misty Mountains. - not clear here WHO gazed west. Presumably Thorongil since it's his POV, but with the mention of both king and scout just before that, it muddies the water.
It turned out well, I think. Did they reach a firm conclusion about the horsetail on the helmet?
- Deandra |