:O! I know Saiyuki, but only in Chinese, so... I might get something wrong here :P.

Anyways, I thought this was pretty good. Not much action happening in it, but with enough engaging dialogue to keep the reader interested. The characters were pretty IC, from what I see (assuming that Goku is 悟空... don't exactly know who the other guy is xD.)

The self-insert was pretty natural, except for the fact that her replies were pretty... dry? Even though there's not really much she could talk about with them, I think her responses could've been a little more detailed, maybe not flirting but asking about their journey and such. :) Yeah~

Other than that, it was an enjoyable read; I particularly liked the expression 'perverted cockroach.' 8D

- Beth M.

Hey Lin

Absolutely loved this, it had so much character in it, and it really made me laugh. Hm... I think so far yours is my favorite for the Feb challenge *grins* Maybe it's because it's the only one which I actually know the fandom, but it was the one that made me really feel absorbed into the story. Thanks!

Lovely story! More please!

I think you did a nice job with this story. It was very enjoyable as it was proceeding quickly and pulled me right into action.
However maybe du to the word count there are some flaws in the first chapter.

I really liked you beginning as it pulled my right into action, so the first paragraph is great! Where I see problems is the second one: I would work in the phrase "Until then" or something similar. You started describing a fight and then you describe the town which is perfectly fine though I would connect both paragraphs somehow, because it seems to interrupt the flow a bit as the next paragraph is sort of action again. So either by telling that "unitl then (added at the beginning) it was a normal day" or ad something like "it was a peaceful town until..." in the end. Maybe you should also reword the beginnings of the sentences as they all start with "it".

"The brown eyed and hair teen" -- I know you are trying to describe as brief as possible though I don´t think this works well. I understand what you are trying to tell me so it doesn´t interupt the flow of the story but maybe you could try something like that her brown hair took her a bit of her sight ( as it was hanging before her brwon eyes until she swept it away). This is just an example but I think it will work much better if you put the description amongst the story like: "As the Lin and her family ducked into hiding her brown hair fell in her face ( you got the hair color) but she quickly swept it aside so that she could watch the fight, her brown eyes widened with fear (eyecolor)."
I think something like this works much better than just listing it.

"Something felt off about those men, oh so very off." -- This is a bit weird in addition with the next sentence. But it´s just my taste so feel free to ignore this comment.

Overall I think you managed to put a lot into the short piece and I had the feeling that a great scene was in my mind.