it's cute :D

awe!! that was cute! i hope you write more!!

I haven't heard or seen this show/manga Goo, but you can do family life well. Also, you can get a child's personality fairly well as well.

My advice for you:

1. A common mistake of otakus is incorporating Japanese words into a story. This is fine if you plan to use Japanese terms, words and setting all throughout the story; however, inserting a word or two can be avoided next time. It is still, however, your writing style, so you get the last say.

2. Inserting a/ns in between lines.

(author's note: aah i always wanted that to happen)

This albeit fun for the author, can be very distracting to the reader. Placing a/ns in the story itself can break the mood of the story. A better tactic would be to number it, then explain the number at end notes. End noted would be a/ns when the fic is done.

ex. on the lips from Kotoko (1)
.
.
.
.
.
A/n: 1. I always ...

The numeral can be parenthesized or italicized.

3. Punctuation, capitalization, typos or missing word/s, fragmentation of sentences and use of conjunctions.

Basic grammar really. Try finding a beta if you are too lazy too edit and proofread. I am a beta reader, but I still ask someone else to beta my work; as a double checker.

4. Expound your ideas more, or add more detail.

[face. It was raining and it did not lighten the mood for Kahoko .

Irie returned home wet and cold.]

Reading this first time, the idea of Irie coming home will not automatically click. Try writing it in a more narrative format.

ex. It was raining, and it did not lighten the mood for Kahoko.

She heard the sound of the front door opening, and faced it to see Ire coming in, soaked through.

By saying soaked through, the words wet and cold can already be associated with it.

5. "Everyday is an adventure".

When you wrote this, it was meant to be a thought, correct? Because it is already capitalized, you don't need to place the punctuation marks. Thoughta are either italicized or placed in apostrophes. Also, since you meant it as thought by placing the words: and thought to himself, the marks "" shouldn't be used for they denote speech.

~*~

I think that's it Goo.

Again, all these are up to you whether to use or not. Keep writing, and you'll become even better! That was the result for me, and I sucked when I first started! Good luck!

Your 'mommy':
Minki