   Korilian
2009-05-05 . chapter 2Very cool. I love the lab politics and that Zelenka wasn't Rodney's go to guy, until after they got to Atlantis. The character ret-con for Peterson is also awesome. In the ep he only got to play a red shirt, so the little nod, that yes, he was someone beside the crazy guy that infected the mess hall is nice. Just that little detail gave him loads more character depth. I hope you'll finish this. |
 Late For The Sky
2009-02-12 . chapter 1This had a good start, but there are some confusing bits. I tried running the Czech through an online translator, and managed to figure out that Rodney was asking Radek about numbers. Perhaps next time an author's note at the end providing translations would be helpful. It's what I tend to do when using foreign languages I'm not at least semi-fluent in.
Also, the bit where Radek and Rodney were talking and John couldn't hear exactly what they were saying- Having the "something"s in where John couldn't hear what they were saying is confusing as well. Perhaps a better way of saying it would be something like this:
"And from then on the conversation was over John's head and obviously Carson's as well from the look he gave John over his shoulder.
Rodney and Radek went back and forth for a couple of minutes with John and Carson understanding about one in twenty words, but whatever was said was having the effect of calming the injured scientist, so they merely shrugged and let it go on until Rodney finished talking."
Much more concise, and really only takes out a few sentences that aren't particularly necessary. If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to beta future stories/chapters for you, and give suggestions where needed.
Keep on writing, good luck, and welcome to the fandom.
~Late For the Sky~ |
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