Y Hello Thar! I'm a HUGE Max Ride fan, so I thought I'd take a peek at this one you've cooked up.
A couple friendly pointers-
1. No need to describe your fan character in such after an initial run-through on looks. Or, if you absolutely NEED to spread it out, drop little characteristics, like hair color, height, build, and various other things, like little pebbles instead of great big atom bombs. Sprinkling or bombing works good, but not separating it into two separate paragraphs (since the topic would technically still be what the character looks like). However, you seen to realize that bombing the reader with so much info at once isn't as nice, you still need to sprinkle a little more- it's okay to let a description drag into another chapter or two.
2. You might want to read the Max Ride books a little closer. You've got a pretty decent feel for how the characters are, but some bits of their personalities are a little off (mostly, Max would never be that open, nor would Fang have to "hold back a chuckle"). Yes, these are minor details, but truly avid fans (like myself) will sniff them out like the dogs we are and drag them out, ripping them (and, vicariously, you) to shreds.

Honestly, not bad. There's very few (as far as I can tell) grammatical/spelling errors, the Mary-Sue-age is minimal (so far), the characters are mostly IC (in character, BTW), and it seems like it will be an interesting story in later chapters.
HOWEVER- There is still far to little to see how good this is/can/will be. I suggest you keep going, and I'd like for (but don't demand) you to keep my two little points. I'm not really one to go harping on other people's written works (and I don't usually read more than one or two of people's things unless I really love their work) but I like helping you out. So, good luck, Ace.

As I Am,
Lady Spritzy

K, first off, great idea! Just one request; when you intro Reala, don't make him a permanent baddie, please! I mean, at least give him a little heart! :) Thanks!

nice! keep it up