great story. i wish you would continue it

this vi

Try checking & improving your grammar, especially your tenses. In cases like this, it may not seem how you mean things to be.

Wow, this is a lot better than the original, and the original was already good. Great job!

wow, a really good story. hope you update soon.

I thought it is quite fabulous how you actually change your story from the original version. I thought it is interesting and had certainly striked me with the point. I really do like the imagery that you display with your words and I am hoping forward into reading your next chapter of this story.

Keep up with the good work, Otakon1Snake-san!

I like your story so far, but there is one little mistake:
Onii-san means "elder brother", the correct word for "elder sister" is Onee-san.

Woohoo! I got a shout out! Nah, well you know what I think of this chapter so yeah ...

Your yaoi-loving Beta

Ja ne

I wonder if Urd's reasearch will consist of Friday the 13th. Anyways a good chapter.

Intresting start to the story. I look foward to reading more.

I don't have a much experience when it comes to outdoor malls, but how would it have two floors? Unless it's a mall with an outdoor courtyard or something (I actually wouldn't know)

Everything's working out so well; it's just begging for someone to ruin it.

Great chapter. Update soon!

I must say I'm intrigued, what will happen?

Sounds exciting.