WOW, can I just say that again...WOW.

I know, I know, articulate much? But really, after reading a story like this one, its hard to find the words to do it justice.

OTHOAP was the episode that made me fall in love with SN. I didn't discover the show until about halfway through season four and once I saw this episode I ran out the very next day to buy the first three seasons on DVD and I've been head over heels ever since.

Your exploration into the characters was so insightful it took my breath away. I will always believe wholeheartedly in the love between the two brothers and that neither of them would purposefully hurt the other, therefore, Sam's reasons for chosing to work with Ruby and to drink demon blood had to have a lot more to do with finding a way lesson Dean's burden than any kind of power trip. In my mind anyway.

Thanks for sharing your amazing talent.

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I've recced several of your fics on LJ lately at: community [dot] livejournal [dot] com [slash] sickdean. ;)

Ugh, sorry, won't let me type the actual web address out. Anyway, I love your writing! A lot!

Hey there,

Okay...this story...it blew me away, really. I LOVE this story. And I really don't know what to say, to explain it to you, WHY I love it. It's just that you wrote down my own thoughts , my ideas *lol* I read it and thought "Ouh, Wow - that was talkin' right? I wrote this?"...so creepy. And there were lot's of psychological aspects too - I hope you get what I mean. I wish I would have written down all the things I wanted to say, 'cause there are many things concerning Sam's change, and Dean's character and the missing pieces between HOAP and ATL...and so much more. And let me say: reading your story was just like a flight somewhere else. Don't know how to describe it in english, but I was in the story and it felt really weird when it ended and even the Afterword was so wonderful.

"Only Dean can fend off the apocalypse. But I think we both know he won't, if it means harming you. You bring him to defeat. You bring him to damnation.”"

(Spoiler Alert)
-> Now, after 4x20 it was really hard to read that, because...well...4x20 was just really hard for me to watch and this quote from your story let me think 'bout 'The Rapture' and how things developped and the brothers changed and Sammy - no, Sam - in the Panic Room and Dean saying 'At least he dies human' in the promo.

So, this story really got me upset in a positiv way and I love it and I am so glad right know that somebody captured the thoughts I had at the time back during 4x16 and 4x17.
Greetings from germany (hope my english isn't too bad *smiles*),

Kritty

I'm sorry I missed this! It would have been fun to accompany it as it was posted. Once again - brilliant work. Were you a psychologist or something?

You're insights into Sam are brilliant. Sam is certainly becoming the most convulted and hazy character in the Supernatural universe right now. I'm on the edge of my seat hoping that he won't become evil. You definately captured that tension well.

For me, the most inlightening disection of Sam came from Kroki-Refur. She said that what was happening to Sam was perhaps Sam trying to break free from being the "protected brother" and Dean not letting him. And that Dean loved the "idea" of the younger, protected brother, and missed that Idea, but didn't understand that Sam wasn't the younger brother to be protected anymore. If that makes sense.

I love your insights in Castiel. Cas is quickly shaping up to be one of my favorite characters, especially with what happened at the end of 4.16, with meeting up with Anna and all. Not to mention his, "Just so you know why I can't help you with the prophet" stunt that he pulled. But anyway - You do a good job of capturing this characters confusion,his desire to do right, his unhumanly - and therefore, ununderstood to us mere mortal - wisdom, and his love of his Father. You neatly balance the way he likes Dean and wants to help him, and his helplessness of not being able to HELP Dean.

And now we get to Dean.

...Tell me, do you ENJOY ripping people's hearts out, or is it just a side benifit? I had lots and LOTs of "Oh Dean..." moments while reading this. Dean's self-worth, or the lack of it, the dimness of his vibrant personality, Sam's perception of Dean's "weakness," Dean's guilt over breaking all climaxing with his attempt of suicide.

I believe that Dean's choice to remove the memory of his suicide attempt from Sam was perfectly in character. It sounds exactly like something he would do.

I can't really articulate my thoughts on your Dean right now, so I'll leave it at that.

One thing I love about this story is the flashbacks, the scenes in the hospitals or after Jessica's death (that one really got me, since I'm a post-Jess junkie). Sam's suicide attempt was also heartwrending. Anyway - you balanced the flashbacks and the boys' reaction in real time and flashbacks perfectly. It was once agian - heart break inducing to see how the boys changed from trusting and affectionate to... what we see now in season four.

Okay - I've raved enough, and I SHOULD be working on studying for a test. Once again you've written a brilliant story, and I can't wait to see what comes next. The teaser looks VERY intersting. Oh! Before I forget - sorry for not finishing your other story, Steps Behind, but I haven't quite got the guts yet. I hope to do it someday.

Godbless!

This story is epic!

The following line especially:

We both know which path he will take. And so you have to know: if you sin, he will sin all the more.
...

“Only Dean can fend off the apocalypse. But I think we both know he won't, if it means harming you. You bring him to defeat. You bring him to damnation.”
...

I surely hope our faith in that doesn't go un-reworded!

“Let's get outta here,” Dean said, pushing his way past the guards and grabbing his brother by the arm.

Now he was home, and everything else they can figure out from here."
Just enough Dean assertiveness there to make me believe that they can make it so long as they have each other..so kind of a hopeful ending?
Great writing, thank you.

“You keep telling him to fix things, to stop things,” Sam pointed out, “You always forget to tell him he's not alone.”
I loved these lines, primarily because they make me hope that ultimately, for all of Sam's wrong decisions, Dean will redeem
Sam, and Sam will redeem Dean.

This is so beautifully written. You have detailed all the complexities of Sam's and Dean's relationship perfectly: Castiel- looking at Sam and seeing what Dean sees- the eternal orphaned "little brother" and Sam berating himself for not seeing Dean first in the room.
There are so many truly perfectly apposte comments in this chapter, but I especially liked this one, "“Dean,” he murmured, and for the first time in a long time, the world narrowed to nothing but Dean. No demons, no vengeance, no rage, no fear, no brokenness, no apocalypse. Just his brother. Just him and his brother in here."
I think OTHOAP picked that out and reminded us and Sam and Dean of that fact, and you have nailed it in those lines.
As always your backstories add depth to what is going on in the foreground. "I hate you" and "I hate you more" brought a lump to my throat. There's a whole history of Sam and Dean being unable to express their love for each other until they are literally at Death's door!

That was another awesome story, you really are such a talented writer! I love your previews, it's nice to know that something's good is on the way!

Oh the love!

This set some things firm in my mind...to me - John's resolve was NOT the issue! You hit it riht on the head - he is not the 'righteous man'. Driven, tortured, vengeful and wronged. But not righteous - not by a long shot! He was wronged, perceived this and went out to seek revenge. Sam (if he ever wen to Hell) would've had this same problem. Dean's righteousness? He did it all for love. Simple as that.

Another thing that grabbed me and made me go 'Aha!! I knew it!' Was Sam's pity for Dean. THAT'S what's been ** me off. Horror, sympathy and protectiveness is understandable - but pity can change and twist these emotions into something less than noble - and for Sam (and his lies, half-truths and cover-ups for the last few years) with the direction he is taking (and OH how EASILY he is being led down this path - Sammy! Though you were smarter than that!) even for such a smart guy, you'd think he'd catch a clue. His pity is born out of his stronger, 'better' abilities - ones he was forced to accept during his own period of breaking and suicidal tendencies. He was offered a way out of his misery (by the very person, imho, who pu him in such a state!) and he jumped at it - and it has changed him horribly. I can understand seeing his brother as human - being horrified and upset that he 'broke' in Hell - but the old Sam would have wanted to help in any way and would have refused to see his brother as lesser than. If anything - Dean's experience (and the fact that he survived without going screaming nutso) would have made him proud and MORE 'worshipful'. But that's just my opinion, lol! This Sam dares to disgrace even Dean's 'previous' self with PITY and disgust and that just makes it hurt all the more. He seems to see Dean as subhuman and unworthy - and for Dean to have sacrificed so much and still come out even as a shadow DEAN - well...Sam is failing in the little brother ideal - but that's just my opinion again, lol!! I could really smack him sometimes - but without him, Dean wouldn't be Dean. And this shows now more than ever. Dean is LESS as Sam tries to become MORE. It's almost like Sam is EATING Dean - even as he struggles to repair himself. I dunno - I go off on tangents sometimes - forgive, please?

*Offers more chocolate and love!*

*Smishes you in joy!*

Til next time, honey (and hopfully I won't be so late with it!)

Mandy

Another excellent story, as usual. I've yet to see the episodes that take place after this tag, but I get the feeling this could have easily been part of the transition between the two episodes.

One thing that did kinda bother me was the fact that the police weren't in this story at all. I would have expected the hospital to have called the police, considering Dean's condition. Maybe Castiel did some Angel-fu on the doctors?

wow, that was really strong
How did Dean tried to kill himself, I mean how the doctors understood it ?
I liked the thinks Sam said, it was well done
Wen

I hung on until this was complete! ;-)

Great, as always - there is such subtext in your stories that any time I re-read I come across something new. I was really interested to read this since your other stories are so much about the deep bond and love between the boys and of course OtHoaP take place at a time when their relationship is strained if not fractured.

I love how you termed it: 'One faded, the other blind, and so they both maximized the distance that now spanned between them'.

And this just nails Dean in that episode:
'Dean tended to sleep fitfully since returning from Hell. He tossed and shook and ultimately jerked himself awake. Castiel had at first found it sad and pitiful, but now missed the movement of those nightmarish slumbers compared to the resigned weightiness of how he now slept. Dean, plagued by hell in his dreams, still had a sense of resistance: he cried out, he moved, he ultimately woke. But now, body battered and spirit worn, he just sank on the sheets and slept on. Castiel doubted the memories of hell went away. He could only guess that Dean suffered them resignedly now.'

So sad, and such a beautiful depiction of his utter wretchedness and feelings of helplessness.

Now this I found really intriguing:
'He had found Dean in Hell bloodied and mad, eyes wide and manic, fingers curled like tight claws. He looked like a sick dog that should be put down. Castiel had at first been angered, had wanted to strike him down, had wanted to leave him. All the pain, all the loss, all for nothing'.

It's a really interesting notion that Castiel might have despised Dean for breaking and really goes to that ambivalence we first saw from him towards Dean, namely in 4/02... might be worth revisiting in a oneshot you know!

And finally this:
'I know I hurt him. I can fix him later. Right now, I'll say and do anything I need to, to keep him alive'.

I'm seriously doubting Sam's motives at this point in Show but I want to believe this so much...

;-)

This was a great story. I think what got me most was your observation about Sam and deprivation vs loss. I had really never thought of it that way. It makes sense and sheds light on their motivation.

Thank you so much.
There have been so many deep and wonderful thoughts on those 2 eps, my head hurts!

"And seriously? Was the angel's best selling proposition angled toward 'There are worse fates than yours?'"
WORD!! All the knowledge in the Universe... and calling office workers bad lives is what Heaven comes up with? I thought it sucked too. Like your version a whole lot more.

“Well I gotta offset these good looks with humility.”

“I am serious, Dean.”

“So am--”

LOL! This small piece of conversation, so not important for the rest of the story but so... Dean!

This was an amazing little story and, as always, you left me touched and impressed with your skills as a writter. Thank you for sharing this with us and I really, really hope that you find the time to move foward with the new one :)