   Basket Of Black Roses
2009-07-13 . chapter 2Yes! Fellow Fablehaven fan!
I think that Glow has a pretty good storyline so far. Some things are a bit questionable, like occasionally I will see sentences that are like, "Now that he was standing simply in front of her, watching the water and the moon reflected onto the mirror flat water." Water was in that sentence almost back-to-back. And sometimes some scenes and event in the story are very rushed and un-descriptive. For example, "Kendra quickly rushed into the house and grabbed a pair of gloves from her bedroom. When Seth stopped hr to ask her what she was doing, she simply told him the plain truth. With a mischievous smile on his face, he laughed a simple 'okay' and rolled around in the bed." You never described how Kendra went back in the house and the dialouge spoken. That happened alot in the chapters, (PS: I READ THE THIRD ONE!!) So, when you speed up like that, the reader gets lost and needs to re-read some parts. I think you should of slowed down and used more description. You know about the 5 senses? Sight, smell, touch, sound, and taste? I think if you use more of those components, you can easily draw a picture in the readers mind. When you described Raxtus, it was very well done, but in Kendra going back to the house, a pitiful attempt. Your description is very inconsistent in some areas, just keep that thought in you mind.
I'm glad that Glow isn't a one-shot anymore, but the storyline is pretty good, not great. Now, it seems like it has no direction. Wow, Kendra's seen Raxtus, and she goes home unconcious with Raxtus. Seth get's suspicios. But all that really happened was that Raxtus told the siblings that they have longer lifespans. Anything really interesting? Important? No. The storyline is kinda all over the place! Nothing all too exciting or focused, and it seems very rushed as well! In the Dragon Sancturary book, Raxtus and Kendra were just friends, and all of a sudden, Kendra is totally head-over-heels in the second chapter! Right now, I think you're rushing for the romance part, but love 99.9% doesn't work that way! What I suggest, is slowing down and adding more events. Like, Grandpa and Grandma Sorenson are prominent charecters, and they aren't important so far. I think you're under something I like to call, "Charecter Couple Disease." That's when there's a couple, and the two charecters are the only important ones! I think that by now, Grandma and Grandpa S are going to be quite protective of Kendra because being with a dragon of any type is dangerous. And they do have a fettish about them going alone in the woods. Add more stallinge events, events that will include Raxtus and Kendra, but bring them closer after the even passes. Perhaps a magical creature outbreak, and Raxtus must prove himself trustworthy to the Sorenson Grandparents?
Glow is a joy to read, really. I love the writting style you use. Prettu direct and on-track. Seth being suspicious about Kendra and Raxtus is totally IC for the likes of him. Yep, impulsive and impatient. And you really describe Kendra's thoughts very very well.
Looking forward to more great work from you!
~ Basket of Black Roses ~ |
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