Will you continue? This is an interesting idea, though there are a few mistakes and such. But overall, an interesting story. Please continue.

lol it sounds like somehting from a novel...its pretty good i like it please continue with it ^-^

A good start, but some of the dialog is difficult to read (some punctuation, like commas, would fix that). Do you have a beta reader? Asking a friend to look over it will help you to spot mistakes that you may have missed. Keep up the good work.