Well, I was waiting for this chapter, at least, and I send loads of Healing Charms to your muse, who greatly deserves them. What I really like about this fic this far are the characters, who you have managed to give life. I would miss Maddy Linure if she withered away into oblivion.

If you want criticism, all I can think of right now is that perhaps something should have happened during that boring day between the potions class and Maddy's extra lesson with Snape. I think the effect would be better if there was something more in between the two different interactions (even if the next will not be until the next chapter).

Speaking of the next chapter, I hope my Healing Charms for your muse will do some good so that it's up and about soon!

*I* was waiting for it - glad to see you back. I'd been meaning to write and say, don't take duj's comments about everything in a story needing to serve a purpose as a discouragement, because whilst this is true, it's also true that "being amusing" and "creating an atmosphere" and "setting a scene" are all valid literary purposes.

You're perfectly right about McGonagall giving people Ginger Newt biscuits - it's canon, and the reviewer who said she wouldn't is talking though her hat. But I can't see Minerva giving anybody a *soft* smile - a tight or fleeting smile, maybe, but not a soft one.

Imo the idea that Snape is very prejudiced against Gryffindors (other than his rivalry with Minerva over the Quidditch and House Cups) is largely fanon. What we see in canon is not that he is biased for Slytherin and against Gryffindor, particularly, but for Draco and against Harry personally. And I assumed that the book he has lent Maddy isn't *the* book, with his private boyhood spells in it, but a later, more organised book of Potions notes - and if it's a rough version of something of which he has another, better copy then he might well be prepared to lend it to her. The content is, presumably, the same as what he would be writing up on the blackboard anyway.

At the same time, he seems improbably laid back about lending it to her - I would have expected him to be more stern and grudging, if only to keep his sour northernness intact.

On the one hand, of course, this is before Lily's death, so I suppose he might have been a lot less bitter and more hopeful then. On the other, he's only 21 and not very secure - you'd think he would be very concerned with what impression he was making, and hence quite stiff in his manner.

You've got three typoes/editing errors:

and rose my hands

"out of Brandon's bed" occurring twice very close together - you need to rephrase one of them.

clicked it's fingers - lose the apostrophe.

And congratulations on the science prize - way to go!

You finished it! *cheers* I fear this will be more negative than positive here, but I hope it will help. You’ve proven that you won’t freak out if I say something critical, so…*readies big guns*

First note. McGonagall is not in the habit of randomly giving sweets to students – that’s Albus’ gig. Such things are probably too frivolous for her, and she is no mother hen trying to comfort her flock. I could see her perhaps asking if Maddy wanted some tea, or something, but not a treat. McGonagall is a practical and direct woman, without Dumbledore’s friendliness.

I do like how the under-aged sex hints are dealt with. It’s a nice, subtle way of dealing with the subject – the mutterings among the other girls and the awkwardness of the girl in question. Sort of a secret ‘walk of shame’ as it’s called here in the states. And Mady has a good response to it – very reasonably staying out of other people’s business. (Something that Harry never quite learned, though it would have saved him a lot of trouble.)

Okay. Now for possibly the most important issue. I go into a lot of detail here, so forgive me if I sound harsh. I don’t mean to be cruel, but I am trying to help.

That’s obviously Snape’s old potion book. (If it isn’t and it’s a red herring, then my hat is off to you.) However, I will go on assuming that it is, in fact, his book. You’re hinting rather heavily that it is at least *one of* his old books, what with the handwriting. Now, this may be a matter of us characterizing Snape differently, so keep that in mind.

Main things to remember here: Severus Snape is a Suspicious Bastard, he takes things personally, and he does not get over them. These things are not new developments.

Why would he give a student – a Gryffindor he has known for a few weeks, at that – a potions book that is incredibly important to him? The last time someone got a hold of that potions book, the spells that he *created* were used against him to publicly humiliate him. Snape – this damaged, suspicious man who has had no time to heal from his incredibly traumatic childhood – would fully expect this to happen again if he let *anyone* else see that book.

To say nothing of the personal information contained in that book. Severus Snape does not expose his secrets unless forced, or unless he’s scoring a point against someone. He wouldn’t have told Harry he was the HBP, except that it was exactly the thing that would have hurt Harry the most at that particular point.

And even if it’s not That Potions Book, it’s still a lot more than Snape would be willing to do for anyone. Snape, being Snape, would be very protective of his books. To put it in the hands of some messy, idiot Gryffindor that would probably just set it on fire or something… I can’t see him doing that willingly.

Honestly, I’m finding his treatment of her rather…off. At this point in his life, I think he would be a *worse* teacher than he is later on. This is not Snape before he became all bitter and angry – this is Snape before he spent twenty years calming the hell down. This is *before* he developed coping mechanisms that didn’t involve killing people, and before he’s had any real lessons in dealing with people not named Lily except in the context of conflict. Even if he’s trying to be nice to people he’s not going to be particularly good at it – he’s never had the chance to learn how.

He’s not just a young, snarky teacher. This is a young, foul tempered teacher who has learned his entire life to see everyone in general and the Gryffindor House in particular as his *enemy*.

Now. For the reason all that matters, aside from canonical accuracy. Right now, things are too easy for everyone aside from friends and things are going too swimmingly. No wonder it’s been hard for you to write – there is no tension right now, and it’s about as boring to read as it is to write. Maddy’s not directly involved in anything – she’s just an observer to the suffering of Davine and Brandon. That’s about all that’s going on, and it would almost be more interesting for one of them to be the POV character. I’m fairly sure you hadn’t intended that.

If you make Snape harsher, make him furious at Maddy for being so miserable at potions and only helping her because he’s forced to – that would be more interesting. Give them reasons to hate each other that they have to work through as he grudgingly tries to teach her. Create some tension in the relationship. The Harry vs. Snape conflict was one of the most interesting parts of the canon, imo, and there is a reason for that.

Mind you, this would require a lot of rewriting, but I think it would make later writing easier. Tension is more interesting to read, and –speaking from personal experience - it is a *lot* less boring to write.

So. We tend to disagree rather stridently on the characterization, but I hope I was able to explain myself. *hugs* Will get to your email soon – I’m at college *and* NaNoing, so I’m busy as all get out myself. Good luck!

S

I think your Snape is maybe a little too nice, but I can't help liking the scenes from potions class very much. He is still sarcastic, only he is that good teacher you sense he could have been from canon. And maybe he is, when he has no Harry Potter in class, who knows? :-) And maybe he has not yet reached that state of bitterness he shows later on. After all, some things have not happened yet, have they? He is also young and I like the way you described him from your OC's point of view.

I like your OC as well and I don't mind the pace, but found quite a few things that I got curious about and that makes me want to read on. (But maybe I should add that I'm a rather slow person...) I hope you will update soon!

You are a talented writer. Seriously. Keep writing.

As for food... eh... hmm... let us forgo the stereotypical British food (eg. fish and chips) and think on things such as sausage, bacon, eggs, ham, steak, oatmeal (AKA porridge), etc. for breakfast. Though that is a lot for one meal. lol.

Nice start! Looking forward to the next chapter!

Hiz!

Sorry for taking so ra-damned long… (Chrono Trigger has taken over my SOUL) But anyway. On to the stuff you actually want to hear about.

I really like Maddy, and she keeps improving with time. She’s sympathetic and real – with a good dose of emotional awareness that is both A. unusual for her age and B. a sure-fire way of getting points with me. She’s smart, even if she doesn’t realize it, and she’s good with people. Usually. I like how she reacted to Brandon’s parents - she looked past her personal dislike (while still acknowledging that it’s there) and saw him as a real person. (plus she’s self-aware. Yay!)

The atmosphere works a lot better now. Like I said, this is the worst part of the war. Voldy can’t find the kid and he hates it, Crouch Sr is probably starting to get up to his dastardly deeds, and in public perception Voldy is winning. Hogwarts won’t be entirely doom and gloom, of course, but more so than usual.

I do like the section about her father, but the dialog is a bit…mechanical. A little too robotic. Maddy’s last line to her sister should sound pleading, hurt, but the delivery is rough. I mean, she’s 13 and grieving, so she won’t be Voltaire, but it’s still a bit stilted for the situation, I think. Becky’s lines are perfect, though – she’s trying to sound composed and strong, and not entirely succeeding.

Also – yay! Meaningful inter-house interaction! And not just of the Slyth/Gryff “We hate you more!” “No, we hate you more!” variety. Though of course you can’t leave that out.

Admittedly, I have a bit of a hard time believing she hasn’t heard about the Marauders. For one thing, the Wizarding world is a Very Small Pond and EVERYONE knew who the Potters when they died. (And another – you *know* it took at least a decade for Flinch to shut up about them.)

I still tend to think that Snape should be nastier – he works by fear and intimidation, and he’ll be dealing with these guys for a while so best cow them now. But that may develop later. (Remember, Snape is vicious and never leaned to play nicely with others.) He’s probably not as misanthropic and bitter now as he will be later – a man made for teaching, he is not. (He’s not in this job because he wants to be, you know.) But he still greatly enjoys taking a bite out of an ego he thinks is too big. Which is pretty much any ego.

Why does Snape offer extra classes? Just to get her out of the classroom, or is this a “let’s traumatize a student!” plan? He quite likes doing that. There was probably a Harry in every class.

This is developing well! I still tend to think that Snape would be nastier, even at this point, but we don’t ever see him at this point so it would be hard to say. (I just think he’s more fun all vicious and stuff.) I do rather enjoy this, and I apologize again for my horrible lateness.

S

"I remember predicting a similar thing..." Thumbs dropping off must run in families in the wizarding world, eh?

Starting off slow tends to irk readers unless your narrative voice and/or characters are really strong. We don't know where you're going at this stage, so we have to take it on faith that all of this will be relevant later. So don't take too long picking up the pace.

Personally, I believe in never including an unnecessary word and I have frequently edited down two or three chapters to one (for instance, I edited the first 12 chapters of "Dreams" to 5 before beginning to post it), or summarised a page in a single passing line. Every line has to serve the story as a whole, advancing plot, theme or character development. "Murder your darlings", novelists say; don't hesitate to cut even your most brilliant lines or paragraphs if they don't serve the story.

I believe there are four lessons a day - two 45min singles and two 90min double periods - except on Friday when they are let out early. But that's in Harry's day: you can perfectly well assume things were different in the 80s.

A very fresh language from an interesting observer.
I've always been curious about Snape's first years as a teacher and from the brief but incisive scene of Snape's introduction to the students, I believe I will be pleased to read more about him. The point of view of a new character, a student, could reveal uncommon aspects of Severus.
Please keep on writing: your story is promising.
Thanks.

Good work so far. Hope your exams went well.

I don't have much to add to your previous reviewers. (Whitehound recced you, BTW, which is what brought me here - although I vaguely think I read this story already and didn't review because the system was out. And then was too busy to remember to come back. Sorry.)

Regarding Splintered Star's comment that "for speech "this" is correct, not 'this' ", that may be American usage (which would explain why it's fairly ubiquitous in fan-writing), but my Bloomsbury (UK) copies of the HP books do it your way. (I see you've already changed it, but it's still nice to know these things, right?) It always looks wrong to me now - too much fanfiction reading, I guess, because I grew up reading Brit books.

I remember Devilled Eggs (hard-boiled, cut in half, scoop out the yolk, mash with savoury stuff, eg gherkin relish and pipe attractively back in) as a popular 80s entree. And cucumber boats, I think. And weird combinations in my cookbooks, like cherry and cucumber salad... (Don't ask, LOL.)

*Extremely* well-written, and yes the OCs work - they seem believable and interesting without being idealised or Mary-Sue-ey.

I spotted a typing error - Hogsmede should be Hogsmeade.

I've never heard anybody suggest before that the Potions master is always the Head of Slytherin, and the Transfiguration master/mistress always the head of Gryffindor, which would make Dumbledore head of Gryffindor in the 40s. But it's certainly possible - there's nothing I can think of in canon to say it ain't so.

Things to remember about Snape's first year as teacher - although you probably *have* remembered them, because so far this is really accurate to canon.

a) Will and the other seventh years, and probably the sixth and fifth years, will know the "Snivellus" nickname, and some of them are bound to use it.

b) Two months into his first term he suffers a catastrophic bereavement (Lily).

c) At some point after Lily's death, but probably not very long after, he is investigated by the Wizengamot on suspicion of being a Dementor. This may have involved anything from a stiff interview all the way up to arrest, torture and Dementors - we don't know - but Moody was probably involved.

The exact timing of when he was investigated depends on when Karkaroff was, because we know it was after Lily's death/Sirius's arrest (Sirius, an Order memebr, had never heard that Snape had ever been accused of being a Death Eater), and before Karkaroff's trial (he accuses Snape of being a DE and is told he's already been cleared). If you really want, I could work out what the time constraints on Karkaroff's trial are.

Meat things they might be eating at an autumn feast - chops, luxurious steaming steak-and-mushroom pies, steak-and-kidney pudding, fancy chicken dishes... this is the early 80s, so maybe things like chicken chasseur, coronation chicken or chicken a la king. Possibly prawn cocktail as a starter - prawn cocktails were big in the 80s as I recall.

The only quibble I have is that I wish you hadn't gone with the fanon idea of making Snape a Potions Master, as if that was some sort of qualification in Potions. Snape in the books is a Potions master, with a small 'm' - that is, a male teacher at a boarding school (a master) who teaches Potions. It's a very common fanon thing but it's a shame when the rest of the story is so very accurate to canon. You need Snape to have a qualification because you've incorporated it into the plot - but couldn't you call it something else?

It's really well done, anyway. I shall add it to my recommended fics lists - with a gold star, and I may say it's the first story I've given a gold star to in a month's worth of stories.

Hi! I'm out of the practice, so this took a while. Of course, I'm liable to take a while anyway...Still. This is a good start - a few issues, but a lot of potential. God knows HP has room for OC's.

I think the opening is a bit too slow. It could just as easily start at the opening feast, and the shift between the train and the feast is a bit awkward. You don't really need that section introducing the everyone at the beginning, either - until they do something, those names don't mean anything to the reader. Introducing them when they start talking, I think would work better. Like this, almost:

("I heard that - " a nasaly, thick voice cut in. One day, I'd learn to stop listening *before* he started talking... _He_ was Brandon. He was Davine's boyfriend, and that was about the only good thing that could be said about him. Davine sat next to him, her blue eyes starry with affection for that...thing. I had no idea what she saw in him...)

Or even just a bit more description - saying how long Maddy has known them, what they look like, things like that. Not to much, but something to solidify the characters. They're not people yet, just names.

The description of Snape is good. I'm not sure if his hands would look fragile - he does quite a bit with those hands, after all. But considering the distance, one might not be able to tell. The phrasing at the end is a bit rough - maybe something like: (He looked hostile to the world in general. But the really strange thing...if he haden't been been at the teacher's table, I would have thought he was a seventh year. He was _that_ young.)

I think Snape is a little too casual. Snape is always, especially in public, very formal, buttoned up and harsh. The flourish in the bow, the crossed legs...It's all a little too relaxed. And Snape would not be relaxed here - in front of the students that he would have to control, in front of the people who laughed at him when he was mocked... He would be tense as heck, and it would show.

A bit more description of Will (especially his relationship with Maddy) might be worthwhile, but not completely necessary. Still, I rather like him. He seems interesting, but of course it's too early to tell.

Just a quick grammar bit - for speech, "this" is correct, not 'this'. But that, again, is minor.

A couple of questions, for your benefit if nothing else - at this point, is Snape still a loyal DE? Why or why not? Also, since this is still during the first war, how is the war effecting the students and the school? Remember, _they_ don't know it'll end in two months. And this was the worst part of the war, too. LV would be MAD that he can't find Harry, and when LV is mad Bad Things Go Down. I dare say that some of the students might be more concerned about their families and the world in general than about the new prof. Yes, the perspective is good and the view of a student would be interesting, but remember that the world is at _war._

There's a lot of potential in this, as I said, if you can pull it off. You're got the right mindset for it - you just need to tweak it a bit. Again, sorry for taking so long... But hopefully, it was worth the wait. Good luck!


S