 -bare-footed-muse- 2009-04-13 . chapter 1Considering English isn't your native language, this is really good. :) Good description, good realisation of emotions :D I especially liked 'the wounds of his soul ached in his chest, as shadows passed through his eyes, filled with the power of his darkness' :O :D
Critical points:
your tenses got a bit mixed up- in the middle bit, you used present tense ('she'll') but in the next part you used past tense ('ached', passed'). Try to keep the tense consistant.
When you use speech marks, always put punctuation inside them.
Like, instead of when you said-
' "You should not have killed my friend" '
put instead:
' "You should not have killed my friend." '
Or
' "You should not have killed my friend!" '
etc.
It's just grammatically correct (half the English authors on here don't do it (grr)) and me being picky :P
Otherwise really good. Please post some more in English! :D
x |