 SilverCyanide 2009-04-30 . chapter 1I really wish that I could find a nicer way to say this. But, no matter how I attempt to approach it, I can't find one. So I'm going to be sinmple and clean:
This is the biggest Mary Sue I've seen out of parody land in... possibly ever. And if not ever, at least in a VERY long time: and I've been working with Suethors since June of 2006. Of course, you do come from Quizilla (worst Suethors ever over there), but still... I honestly thought this was a joke until I saw the near 20,0 words.
I'm not going to go into fic details like I do with normal concrit reviews. Instead, I'm just going to give you the basic feedback on one topic. (So I apologize for not giving information on other aspects of the story.)
First, "princess of tennis" - this is so insanely overused it's pathetic. Also, your character screams Sue is so many ways that, after realizing it wasn't a parody, I honestly wanted to cry. National champion and childhood friends with Ryoma? (Also way overdone.) FOURTEEN languages? I had a debate once discussing the plausibility of six, and even then we decided it was sketchy. Fourteen screams Sue so epically. Also, opening with a giant block of history text on your OC is so epically fail when writing, I can barely figure out how to explain it.
Back to the Sue thing. The guy's team... No. Just NO. Not only is that the other most overused thing in PoT fanfiction, it's just wrong on so many levels. Because the girl's do have a team, and it is viable, though nobody seems to care.
Also, age skip. If you're skipping ages, then you better be prepared to move up all of the other players. That makes Echizen a third year in junior high and everybody else in high school.
Also, epic cultural name fail. You start sur then pre for names, like Asian countries do. Then switch in the actual fic. And nobody really has the last name Sohma; if you're going to attempt OCs at least give them a proper, original family, name, history, background, and profile. (cont.) |