Good story but way to short. Hopefully you will post some more? Good job so far!

I want to remind you at this point that you requested a review from me. I don't know you and this is not personal. I'm doing you a favor by acceding to your request. I'm not a bad guy but I'm hard on critiques. That is the #1 reason I don't want to beta. So read this. Then go throw something at the wall and curse the hour that you ever asked me to review for you and after you've calmed down read it again. Now get ready for a punch in the gut.

I'll start by saying the good things. You have a strong story outline. You have a good base of knowledge in regards to zombie lore. You have the desire to write a good story. You are willing to commit time to the effort. After all, nine chapters don't magically appear on your desk top.

Now the not so good things. Some of them you are aware of.

You are leaving out a LOT. You are leaving out a lot of detail and there by missing opportunities for character development. You are also leaving out a lot of words. Reread your work several times with a critical eye and you can easily solve that. Pet peeve of mine: then and than are not the same word.

You are definitely rushing things. I know how it feels to want to get your story down and let people read it but if they don't enjoy it what good have you done? Slow down and let your reader catch up. Every chapter can not be action and blood. People want more in a story than a fight that goes and goes. Even your slow spots are filled with tension. I strongly recommend putting in details about how your character is feeling mentally as well as physically. To tell someone you are tired is one thing but to tell them your legs ache and your arms are sore is more to the point. They can sympathize with that. Put in detailed observations about the people around your main character. Lets have some names for his girlfriend and brother. Lets have the main character's name. You should use names so that your readers will be able to get a more personal feel for the story and identify with the characters. Remember that the story is played out in the mind of the reader. They have to be able to see in their mind what is going on. Physical descriptions of the characters are worth the time it will take. You don't have to give all the information at once. Mention the color of the girlfriends hair and later tell if she is built heavy or light.

Suspension of disbelief is a prerequisite in anything dealing with zombies but you must ground it in what is mundane and common. Your story starts with your main character coming home from city college and making mac and cheese. That was good. Any college student or former college student would identify with that. But then a switch gets flipped and he is surrounded by flesh eating monsters. There is no background to support your story line. Five minutes ago life was going on just fine. Now it's armageddon?

Learn a little more about what you are writing about. Cops for instance do not leave firearms in their vehicles when at the station. They check their shotguns with the armory and they do not have spare pistols and ammunition in the car. They load out when they roll out. Also police stations are constructed in such a way that a vehicle can not ram right into the main doors. They often have poles in the concrete or in older buildings they will put up large concrete flower boxes filled with earth to prevent such an attack.

One thing that is killing me is your main character's mood swings. He's like a rabid dog on crack. One minute he is feeling protective of his group. The next he's wondering what it would be like to smash some guys head in. You change your writing style from narrative to heavy metal lyrics. If you stay to one or the other and people will follow your story better. It will make the reader feel for the character if they can see him as sympathetic. He's leading what might be the last humans on Earth and who wants a psychopath in that role? If you want to continue using that style then perhaps you should have him talk more about how weird it is for him to act that way and maybe wonder what's wrong with himself.

Describe the action. You say your character is in a fight but you don't give a visual account of what is happening. No need to go overboard with it but put some details of the fight in the story. There are a lot of possibilities for humor and tragedy in a fight. Does the main character recognize any of the people he is clubbing down? Do they do funny zombie things? Cover more than just the event. Cover the details of the event. The scene in the store should have covered about three times what you gave. You had set up a great place for your character to show off his prowess as a hero and then you cut away from it before the reader had a chance to start cheering him on.

Double check your time line. The cops have been hold up for four days but the college kid only discovered his undead neighbor when he got back from City College. He was on the road or walking so why did he not notice what was happening? This also goes toward your background.

Now the worst part and one that you already know but I doubt it occurred to you. This kind of story has already been done A LOT. The zombie fan sites are full to over flowing with them. Should that stop you from finishing this? NO. It should, however, motivate you to write better and in a more original way than any one else. Z-Day stories are all very similar so the only thing to do is tell it in a way that is unique or at the least compelling. Good spelling, good diction and good punctuation all help but they will not be enough to grab the reader's attention and make them hold on. Because the story concept is so wide spread you must tell it in an engaging manner.

Remember your strong points. Go back to the beginning and read your story as if for the first time. Make the chapters longer if you have to. You've come this far why not see the whole thing through?

your going way too fast. you also need to detail it better. im not sure who dead who alive.

hey i am aware of errors, please excuse them, cannot edit them, having account trouble. chapter 2 is up also a few errors, please excuse them