   Lord Kelvin
2009-10-20 . chapter 4Not so normal, huh?
The concept is worthy of a fairytale, but since you write this for a somewhat mature audience, standards and conditions apply.
My first complaint is your ego-centrism. Technically, it doesn't belong to you. The characters, generally speaking. You forget about nearly everything that surrounds them. Even cheap mature movies try to give the best of the environment, but you just skip it. Colours are important, and I mean far more than just the hue. That song is meaningless unless it has a pretty contextual environment.
So we reach further into your writing. Chapter three was my first enormous disappointment. I could stand your repetitions of names in nearly every line and basic sentence structure more fit a K+ than M, but when you went back to basics with dialogue and plot... That, dear colleague, I cannot forgive. Tails speaks like an infant in chapter three, repeating himself more than I blink. Also, the given mission is the epitome of original, considering it's go there bring this type of issue. At least try to be imaginative to bring forth a concept people have seen done before. Your dreams aren't the public's dreams. Should they be equal, you have to work for it.
Your inability to process a believable plot made chapter four a very rough ride. I was already displeased with language and homonym misuse. You, like every smut writer, have managed to be detailed only in the affectionate part. Otherwise, your skills seemed non-existent. My only relief was that you haven't trailed off into MA, which that site bans upon detection.
The story is getting scripty. You should take a moment to plan and decide what are you trying to achieve. What do we learn here?
Have a nice, abuse-free day. |
 Solar Tonatiuh
2009-06-08 . chapter 4Great story, but there is just one thing. You're writing kinda one-sidedly. When describing feelings you're writing only about Shadow's feelings towards Silver. But you very rarely write about what Silver himself thinking about Shadow.
Don't take that wrong, I just think that since this is a love story feelings and thoughts of both characters should be described equally. |
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