  frozenveggies
2009-09-13 . chapter 22 I'm a little torn about this fic. I LOVE LOVE Sucker Punch (read it and commented on Granger Enchanted), so I decided to check out what else you've written.
I liked how this fic began, a rotten Draco, wanting to not be so rotten. It was fun seeing him interact with his other rotten contemporaries in Pansy and Blaise (not that either haven't any redeeming qualities, but they bring out the worst in each other at times - it's their thing, and I love it). I still like a lot of things about this fic. I think you have a knack for character, and do a good job of framing dialogue within the parameters of a person's personality. There are some things that have been bothering me however, and while usually I wouldn't comment on negatives in a review, I'm compelled to tell you what I think in those respects because I really think there's something special in your writing.
One is that I think your dialogue sometimes moves too quickly. You often don't spare words for delivery and reaction. What I mean by this is you have quote, followed by quote, followed by quote, with few descriptions of how their facial description might change, or how their body shifts or whatever and it really throws off the pacing I think. Everything becomes too quick - slow, intimate conversations suddenly seem like verbal sparring when I know they aren't meant to. You go off on wonderful tangents with Draco's internal thoughts/feelings, but not really within the conversations. Sometimes you do, of course, but I find that somehow... it's hard for me to explain. You're writing a fiction story, yet your dialogue often comes across as script from a stage play. What I mean by this, is that in theater, in the text of a stage play, you aren't told what to see. A playwright leaves out reactions and most movement and description of surroundings - these are the jobs of the actors, directors, production designers, etc. In fiction, this is (fortunately or unfortunately) the job of the writer - almost all of it. The reader is left of course to picture it in their mind's eye, and interpret it, and perhaps fill in gaps or read between the lines but the author's responsibility is to paint the picture and circumstance from whatever point of view they're using.
You do this well, but tend to drop it when conversation happens. It's not always. Often you do, but just as often you don't. It's jarring sometimes, because I can't even say it's a stylistic choice or habit, because it seems to be inconsistent. To be honest I didn't pay enough attention to it all to see if there was a pattern of when you'll remove any description of what's happening in favor of straight dialogue vs when your dialogue is a bit more well rounded in the story, but I felt I should maybe at least point it out. I don't know how helpful that is, but maybe you can understand what I mean, and maybe it can help you.
I think you're a very funny writer. Usually it seems to come naturally, and you have some fun ideas within the story. I like alot of the way your treating your muggle cultural appropriation by the wizarding world, with the butchering of novels and plays - combining and editing them without even bothering to understand what they're originally about or treating them with the respect they deserve, due to ingrained beliefs that they don't necessarily deserve it. It's true, and good, and funny.
The concert subplot is more than a little weak to me, however. I find it hard to believe that all these characters would more or less willingly, if not enthusiastically, participate by performing in this concert. Yes some might perform, and yes, they all might be more than happy to help in some varying form, but for Hermione and Draco to perform? Sing, maybe dance, maybe in costume? It doesn't reconcile with your projection of their character, not at all, at least to me. Draco may have been a little coerced, but Hermione is a little too into it in my opinion.
I dunno, it's all so weird to me. Harry singing Mika while the rest of the cast dances around him? This piece of the story makes the rest feel like you have a better than decent handle on these characters, and how they speak and act, but because you have a certain idea you think is cute you are forcing them into a shape they don't fit into - a square peg into a round hole, characters who are reacting unnaturally to a kind of contrived environment.
I enjoy the sometimes robotic internal analysis Draco has of social niceties, and how and when he should exercise them. It's all very alien to him, and you very much make him act/think as one in those situations. It's a fun take on it.
I like your writing, and again, think Sucker Punch is wonderful. Based on Sucker Punch I had thought you'd be the first fan fic author I'd encourage to become a professional if they hadn't been thinking on it (sometimes I've had thoughts that a fic author would do wonderfully if they pursued it professionally, but you were the first I thought about actively encouraging). You had good writing, not necessarily the most inspiring execution all the time, but your ideas were so fresh, and funny, had a lot of character and you had a very unique point of view and voice in Sucker Punch. This piece doesn't show me that as much. It's good, and fun, but I think maybe the intimacy of two strange characters immersing themselves in a strange situation and digging themselves deeper - you really shine in Sucker Punch. Maybe because this world is so much bigger, with so many more characters - maybe it's harder for your voice to come through. This fic is good, but Sucker Punch was striking (haha, pun not intended).
I hope to see you keep up your writing, and I'm sorry I wasn't better able to get across, in greater clarity, the thing about your dialogue or whatever. Thanks for writing, I'll keep reading. |
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