|Reviews for Smile|
| Soulfully Sadistic 12/5/12 . chapter 1
I don't understand why people are saying there's no emotion here. I see a LOT of emotion expressed by the characters. The narrative is for the narrative, and the characters are for the feelings.
I like the "minimalist" effect your story has so far; the clipped sentences giving a mechanical and gloomy, gray feel. The only thing I might criticize so far is a couple grammar mistakes-but they look like simply slip-ups. Good job.
| SonicRings 11/12/12 . chapter 18
You have accomplished something here. Of all the horror stories I've read, this is the only one that has made my stomach churn. After reading what happened to Shadow (which was brilliant. I could've never thought of that. It was so simple, yet it made me want to hurl), I don't think I can continue reading. At least, not right now.
All in all, I really like this story so far. Keep up the great work! :)
| Qwisse 8/30/12 . chapter 28
I'm not sure if reading this before going to bed was a good idea.
Definitely not a good idea was reading reviews before the story itself. Stupid, I know, but those pieces of hatred did their trick: Smile ended up being not the first in my to-read list.
It's not that it lacks emotion. The kind of emotion there is one that expresses itself through characters' actions and thoughts rather than through direct descriptions. It's not so easy to get, but it strikes hard when caught.
Main storyline feels additional. It develops mainly in first and last chapters, leaving space for some other things. Would've called it character development, were it not mainly character displacement. Still, those parts are obviously the salt of the story. It was pleasant to see how everyone received quite thought-out and personalised care. Chapters 9, 18 and 22 seemed the best to me; don't know why, but chapter 15 left the most vague impression. Maybe I just didn't get it right, though.
Not sure what to think about Robotnik here. He's attractive and repulsive at the same time. I thought I liked the idea of the doctor being mad before, but maybe I'd have to look up 'mad' again. His personality in Smile is nowhere near I used to imagine.
Congratulations on picturing a believable Sonic. His speech is rather hard to imitate, but you still managed it.
Although I felt itchy towards the end of chapter 13. If it was me, I'd yield to temptation to make Sonic use that machine until the place was choke full of blue blurs... The hedgehog seemed to be past caring about morals at that point. But you still know better, of course.
The last part of the story feels bitter, but it fits its place. Not sure if the continuation is needed, though. It feels complete as it is.
Language is another noticeable feature. Personally I didn't mind having to reach for the dictionary more often than normally, so I thoroughly enjoyed the variety of words. Fancy how you sometimes combine ordinary words in a way that makes them ring. Lets me feel I still have a long way to go.
Descriptions are rich. Writing battle scenes is not easy, for me at least, and this fanfic consists mostly of them. I can imagine how much energy was spent on picturing every move.
Lengthy descriptions came out double-edged, though.
I wouldn't have stumbled at that hadn't the time been mentioned. Now, with time limits being outlined, I struggled to mentally squeeze the action into them - and generally failed. While rereading chapter 15, I could fit all words in eighteen seconds, but only with Amy sounding like Wave in Sonic Riders. Needless to say, the local drama couldn't be taken seriously after that. Long paragraphs for actions that last mere seconds and a bunch of chapters for twenty minutes confused me to the point when I believed the battle lasted for hours. I was more than surprised to find out that some time still was left in last chapters.
While struggling characters were in the center of all, background turned blurry from time to time, that's what I'm trying to say. Hoo well...
Humorous bits look lively among the horror. The robot's definition of pest in chapter 24 nearly made me fall off the couch.
Stumbled at these:
[creatures just got a too clingy] ch. 9
[Eggman was informed also informed] ch. 13
[locked in a large cell while a single light above] ch. 14
[disturb ones sick fantasies] ch. 15
[hone in on Eggman] ch. 24
Typos, no? Still not too much for a 42k word story, though.
I think I still haven't got everything said there; reading the story again after a year or two might be a considerable option. Still, the main message was delivered. I can recall very few stories that had such an effect on me. Using your own words: it strikes a chord.
| Guest 8/8/12 . chapter 1
Nice story but I think it needs some work still
| Vheeri The Succubus 6/29/12 . chapter 1
I recently saw a review you made and I was impressed, seeing as how not many readers will speak out against obvously poor writing in such a way. So, naturally, I looked to see what you had to offer. Honestly, it seems as though what other stories had, you lack, but what you lack, the other stories have.
I tried one of your fics, couldn't follow it- so I figured, "Eh, they can't all be that confusing... right?"
I have no idea what's going on. It's like the 5 W's got tossed out of a window here. Just as the other reviewers have stated, you're writing lacks emotion, and a general sense of what's happening. You put detail into things that make no sense without previous detail. Ya feel me?
I know what you write would be phenonemal if only you got a beta-reader or hell, even telling readers just what was going on. You obviously have talent that could best the majority of the fics here, you just need to refine it.
| PhantomGurl12344 5/13/12 . chapter 2
Meh,its okay... But something feels off. Like, this was pretty confusing. Just what the HELL is going on? I don't know how to explain it but I can't visualize what's happening. Like, where are they? What are they doing? I just don't feel emotion.
| King Scissorsnips 3/12/12 . chapter 28
How come everyone's hatin on u? this story was beautifully written, way past cool, and kept me on my toes each chapter. Brilliant mann! just wow wow. :)
| K7777 2/7/12 . chapter 1
This is seriously one of the best stories I've read in a while on this site and I don't understand why everyone bothers to review it if they just give a very biased and flawed review.
| mmmk 4/18/11 . chapter 1
you must be one insecure mofo. You spend so much energy trying to appear intelligent when, quite obviously, you are a creative cripple.
Boring, with too many grammar faults. Tsk tsk.
You're just a lowly human after all LK; IQ a very mediocre 100. My condolances, do you need a razor blade?
| NO ONE 3/6/11 . chapter 28
Listen to Bumpkin(a reviewer from your story Blazing Metal).He just might pound a thing or two in your evil,evil,pea-sized thing you call a -less MONSTER!
| Panda-Chan 2/13/11 . chapter 1
Umm... *claps* That was amazing! I love your stories! :)
| Mistress Of The Macabre 1/26/11 . chapter 1
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but really, your writing is unemotional. Writing is an art form, and for it to be successful, you need to delve into the characters emotions and explain that to the reader.
Yes, too much emotion can wreck a story, but so can too little emotion. Readers want to know your characters, and you HAVE done that a little with Eggman, but otherwise, your characters are rather like machines.
Also, DESCRIPTION. To truly create a good story, you need to describe what the characters are hearing, touching, tasting, seeing, smelling, etc. Description is critical to pull your readers in.
The rating needs to be changed to either K or T. M is for explicit content, such as sexual references, strong coarse language and blood and gore. If stories are labeled incorrectly, then the readers expect something entirely different to what you have in store for them, which is a let down.
To improve on your writing, I would suggest getting a beta-reader, if you have not got one already.
I'm sorry to say that you have let me down. The description for your story sounded intriguing, and I expected a lot better than what you had.
I expected better!
| Guest 1/1/11 . chapter 28
You have no soul. x_x
| AWriterThatCan'tSpell 12/4/10 . chapter 1
Your writing, but your not passionate. You write, but you don't feel the torment, the excitment, the alive feeling your pencil/pen/keyboard has to offer.
Your writing, but can you feel?
| Elliptical Puppy 11/27/10 . chapter 1
I've seen the most ignorant, hateful shit in these reviews. I've also seen you around as I looked at reviews from stories I like and...To be blunt, no matter how many times I'm sure you've heard this, but, though you may think your reviews are "critiques", they are, on a level, but they're for the most part, just flat out RUDE. This story by a friend I absolutely loved you reviewed and said it was unemotional and crap.
And then I come and read THIS.
You really shouldn't say such things in reviews to other writers about their creativity, grammar, maturity and such when you yourself can't do these things.
No, I'm not at all saying you should be perfect, becasue NO one is, but you should have at least some of the qualities you give out. Your grammar is good, but long, fancy words aren't everything. Not at all. A story needs creativity, personality, a surge of emotion, or, if it's purposely demented, that odd feeling of a lack of emotion and thrill. Yours is just...robotic. But it's not purposely emotionless, which makes it that much worse. It's not bad, per se, but it's not entertaining, and not something someone would want to spend their long time reading. And just spend the time CREATING this world! Don't worry about perfect grammar until YOU'RE satisfied with how much you yourself love the characters, their personalities, and the realistic (or, fantasy) world they thrive in! Fancy words are nice, but they're not everything. You need to really be able to feel what they feel, see what they see, smell what they smell, hear what they hear, and ecetera. Just worry about the grammar and spelling mistakes AFTER each chapter, or oneshot.
Trust me, I could've blown up on you, but I decided to give you REAL critique. Time to critique YOUR critiques; just don't be so RUDE! I mean, you point out their every mistakes, but you never give them advice on how to get better! You straight out insult them, you DON'T give critique. And I don't want to hear that "Oh but these people are so damned spoiled and need to have a smack in the face" bullshit. "Critique" does not mean it's okay to be nasty.
Now, YOU have a nice, abuse-free day. :)