alright so love the story i really really do... but run this thing through beta... please. it took my like 10 times of you saying worriers to realize that you meant warriors.
worriers - someone that worries
warriors - a fighter of sorts
anyways thats the example and don't take this as me not liking the story or saying its bad cause its great. just run it by a beta reader. i'd even do it!

Loved it!

Hmm, while the idea ( fan-character-journeys-with-Jak and Co.-throughout-series ) is unoriginal, some aspects of it are entertaining.

However, I feel that your writing is a little mediocre. You do have potential, I admit. Perhaps if you added more figurative language and character depth to your story, it would be phenomenal. Adding a variety of vocabulary terms would help as well.

Also, there was something that I felt needed to be discussed: you mentioned in a note that your main character was raped by Erol. While rape is a terrible and heinous crime, you should have written it. There's a general rule for writers, " Show, don't tell. " I'm not talking about anything detailed- you could have just written all the acts leading up to the crime and then transition to the next scene. Your readers would have gathered your implication.

And another thing, such a traumatizing event would have been a prime opportunity for dramatic character development.

Well, thanks for your time and keep writing!

AW DANG IT, I MISSED TO BE FIRST VIEWER DIDN'T I!

Overall nice touches with the ending, I just want to say this was a wonderful ride to accoplish your first part of story, I'm tuning into your next story!

...you know, no one ever talks about what happened to the crockadog. That should definitely be in there xD not sure what my favorite part was, but I hope this is continued into the third game eventually :)

XD I'm surprised jak never got shocked. Assuming there was deep kissing involved, I remember licking one of those D batteries as a kid because my dad told me to as a joke...you can see where this is going lol

Funny how I guessed that they were previously engaged about two minutes before reading the confirmation :/ I feel bad for Kida though...

Mmm...sushi. Anyhow, awesome chapter :) I look forward to the coming clashes xD

Mmm...sushi. Anyhow, awesome chapter :) I look forward to the coming clashes xD

mmm...maybe a long lost brother? No...if he loves her that would be akward...childhood friend?

awesome! i cant wait until jak 3 with kida in it is written. write soon!

I'm just...I don't know what to say...it's just...I'm speechless...

(Leaves computer to talk a walk for the night.)

You're really making up for lost time aren't ya?...this is too good...

Will there perhaps be a fic on jak 3? .

OH...I thought the whole race thing would be closer to the game "Jak X", that racing game has guns attached to their cars...yeah...

Oh well...maybe future chapters?

Anyway I'll be waiting for next updates!

HELL YA, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE RACE, GUN BLAZING ON THEIR CARS...Have you watched Death Race...good movie...you could get a lot of ideas...love that scene when Jensen (As Frankenstein) on the race track against Pachenko in Stage two...yeah that one scene Jensen put his car in reverse throttle and was firing his machine gun at Pachenko. Epic, I hope your race will kick ass!