COOL! But she is still going to fall in love with Peter right!
Because I have 2 ways that I see this story going. 1 Ainle is somehow sort-of evil or 2 Tellia falls deeply in love with Peter,and he with her,Ainle dose either something bad or kidnaps Sue or Lu to threaten the kingdom and will not give them back untill he gets Tellia back,or mabey he will team up with Rabadash and others because I expect this is in the golden age and if you don't know who Rabadash is then you need to read the freakin' book The Horse and His Boy again...I like the latter option because it is quite exciting.(Tee Hee)
Good job, Fierce! The action is certainly moving along - almost quicker than I would expect, even.
I do like how Tellia has changed from the rather mousy figure we see at the beginning to this more strong and assertive girl.
I was a bit surprised, I think, at how easily and quickly Tellia told Peter the entire story of her relationship with Ainle. For all that she's been so wary of telling him, it seemed a bit of a jump for her to just sit down, tell him everything, and then run off to meet Ainle as his ship came in. Peter's reaction was nice though, clearly showing that they will be friends if nothing more, and I thought Tellia's little interaction with Xati was lovely.
To begin, I think more urgency in the communication with the Dove would be nice - not Was it a long trip sorts of things but Why are you here! Is there something wrong? to instill a greater sense of how unusual this is.
While the contractions and colloquial language are fine for the farmer, it would be nice to see some more refined or careful language from Tellia and others throughout the story. "How'd" "didn't" "never liked taking care of anyway." It does not need to be all "high and mighty" as is at the end LWW, but it could be made a little less modern. Careful use of Tellia's language would also underscore the difference with Ainle's and Jenna's language. Language is a classic barrier between classes, a thematic element you are working with. There is also a continual repetition of Tellia's purpose, variously expressed, to various people. This could be compacted, as we know why her parents sent her and we know she does not want to be there.
A few minor typos I spotted: possible should be possibly, maids should be maid's; it's partner is its partner
The argument between Tellia and Jenna is your strongest writing in the story, in particular, that Tellia was filled with satisfaction at seeing anger in Jenna's eyes. I further liked her breath coming in short gulps and the terror of losing what she held dear.
First of all, great job with the basic grammar and such! I didn't notice any outstanding mistakes as I was reading through, so kudos there!
I've picked up my reviews here because, well, this is the first chapter that I haven't seen yet.
I did see throughout this one how you worked to focus less on the clothing and such, and I think it worked pretty well. There was still kind of a lot of discussion of what Peter and Tellia were wearing, but I thought that here it took on a bit more of a symbolic tint - with you describing less of what each piece of clothing looked like and more of what the action around them was - Jenna sneakily changing the dress for Tellia, the dialogue about impressing each other brought up by Peter's valet and by Jenna, especially with the stuff we get there about Tellia's mother - it became more of a plot point about the constraints being forced upon them by others, and less of empty description, so good job there, and I'd say keep working on/with that. (And that was a very long and rambling sentence - sorry)
I very much enjoyed getting to learn about Tellia's mysterious love - it certainly showed us a new side to Tellia! There was a lot going on here - the reveal about her love for a mere farmer, the fact that it's her mother against it all, the fact that Tellia and Jenna grew up together, Tellia taking Jenna down to save her letter, Tellia and Lucy getting to know each other (one thing I very much appreciated there was that you didn't have them just immediately dispense with titles and formalities, even though they are clearly getting to be friends), and Tellia and Peter sharing a lovely little moment.
I almost would have liked to see this chapter broken into two, and everything stretched out a bit. I thought, for example, the reveal that Tellia's brother and father are all for her marrying Ainle was a great point but could maybe have used a bit more explanation, and again with Tellia and Jenna's background.
We're definitely seeing a more passionate, less meek Tellia now, and I think it's great that you're really working with character development there.
I saw your Tweets - don't just give up on this story! I really think you should finish it through!
Oohh the plot is thickening Fierce! I like the meanings for the names as well, though I still think a Dove wouldn't be able to fly from Narnia to Terebinitha over and over again. Update soon! )
The first part of this chapter is a perfect example of what I mentioned in my last review - think about practical details when planning a scene like this.
First of all, think of the kind of effort it would take for a bath to be prepared in Cair Paravel. Where would the water come from? It would have to be heated manually, most likely, which would be unbelievably time consuming. There's no indoor plumbing or electricity, remember. So...is it really likely that people would be bathing three times a day in the castle? Getting baths ready and hauling water around would be all servants are doing.
Also, I think you're doing something interesting here, but sort of falling into a trap. First, go look around at all of your favorite Narnia fanfics - how many of them spend almost half of an entire chapter on getting someone ready for a party? This is empty narrative...the reader doesn't need to see these things which could be conveyed in a few sentences. The action is AT THE PARTY. Second, Tellia is protesting the bath, make-up, and corset too much, which I think is your attempt to make her clearly not a Mary Sue. Because Sues, obviously, love those things! However, be careful with this. Making a character the opposite of what you see as a Mary Sue doesn't mean your OC isn't a Sue...it just means she's a different type of Sue.
What makes an original character interesting and compelling is the way OTHER CHARACTERS REACT TO HER (hence my comment about getting her to where some action happens!). I would look at a really specific story to kind of get an idea of what I mean - "Kaleidoscope," by Breeze. Maraya IS a Mary Sue (as is EVERY OC, including my own), but it is the way Breeze has written the story that makes it enjoyable. Her other characters and the way she writes Maraya's interactions with them tell a reader far more about Maraya's personality than what kind of clothes and make-up she's wearing. She has a backstory that is well thought out, and it isn't just told to the reader point blank, but rather through Maraya's actions and conversations throughout the story.
You did a really nice job in a previous chapter, where Peter observes Tellia as they ride back to the castle. The reader learned a lot about Tellia in that brief moment - how others see her at first glance, and how she probably really IS when feeling unguarded. That was a good bit of writing!
Also, you have a really great opportunity at the end of this chapter to get in a great scene with Peter, but instead it's all about Tellia's discomfort, which leads to her fainting (the point of the whole chapter). MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN HERE WITH PETER! An interesting bit of conversation as they dance, something he learns about her, something she learns about him, some sort of spark between them, the way his hand feels on her back, etc. THEN put in the fainting bit...perhaps as a sort of reaction to dancing with him and her becoming overwhelmed. If this is a romance and she's going to eventually end up with Peter, it could be because she starts to feel something for him here and panics. If it's not a romance, then it can be something like she's already not feeling good because of the corset, the dance is making her short of breath, and she realizes just how much she's dreading courting Peter (or trying to), which upsets her so much she runs off and faints. But make all of this happen through conversation and action, not just a list of things as they come.
This was a very long and VERY critical review; however, remember...if I didn't think you're a good writer and have tons of potential, I wouldn't bother taking the time to write all of this out. I'm enjoying your story and think you're great, Fierce! Thank you for sharing your writing with NFFR!
First of all, I wanted to say that I looked at the reviews you have so far, and the few critical ones that are up there are quite good. They nailed quite a few things perfectly, so I would definitely pay attention to them.
Sometimes I feel that not much happens in your chapters - that it's full of quite inconsequential things. For instance, I think there is far, far too much emphasis put on things like bathing, putting on makeup, picking out clothes, etc. Why do readers need to know these things? What purpose do they serve? Also...are these details historically accurate?
Would people be bathing as often as your characters seem to? Would they have a private washroom or would there be a more communal bath house, much like the Romans had? Would ladies be wearing "make-up" or would they call it something else? Make-up is quite a modern word and I'm not sure it would exist in Narnia. Some quick Google searches might help you clarify details like this, and therefore add some historical realism to Narnia.
I think that if you submitted this story to NFFR, for instance, you would get an A on grammar, so good job! What is lacking, so far, is a plot that is unique and characters that really leap off the page, as well as a personal style and flair. The interactions between the Pevensies is quite good, though I would caution you to not rely too much on other people's characterizations of them. Take them and make them your own! I really applaud your dedication to this story, as you seem to be working quite hard on it, and overall I think that it's a nice, sweet read! Good job!
I find your anti-Sue premise intriguing, though for an anti-Sue story, I believe you are spending far too much time writing her as if she were a Sue, with the emphasis upon hair, clothing, perfume, undergarments, and so on. These things can serve some purpose in a story - in a mystery, if the butler focuses upon the gowns the ladies are wearing, you can bet the fact that one of them is in white shall be important later. Also, I suggest you read other stories to see how they signal changes in scene and point of view characters, such as in the balcony scene.
Him...hmm...who is this him? I haven't a clue? xD I think I like Tellan, he is a good older brother in my opinion. Nice chapter Fierce and update soon! )
Woow...it's really wierd betaing the next few chapters and then going back to read updated chapters. Kind-of...backward if you know what I mean.
ANYWAY!
Poor Jenna...corsets sure are a pain, I know I wouldn't want to wear one. Poor Peter so confused with his guest. Have I mentioned that I think it's cool Lucy made the perfume, well I do! Neat idea! Nice chapter Fierce! )
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