Oh well hell, I hope you decide to develop this story, cause the idea gave me chills of uncontainable joy when I read she was Epps' daughter, good one :)

this made me cry. lol

I have to say that you did a fantastic job. Every word you wrote pleased me and every hint of chaos was beautiful. If only everyone wrote like you do. Your description was beautiful and every sentence as thrilling as the next.

You are brilliant.

Nice one-shot: I'm intrigued to see how you'd plan on continuing it. It's nice to see someone else is still writing in the Ghost Ship fandom.

My main criticism is that you use too much description, which can be off-putting, especially in a dramatic scene like this. For example, "a hand held her face with less that ardent force" sounds more like a romantic scene than a violent assault/strangulation.

You could draw the whole thing together by focussing on what's going through either character's head: in the girl's case this is going to involve minimal description or reflection as she's going to be focussing on the physical danger. For Jack there's a few ways you can play it: a very creepy, unemotional account, an angry rant, even a squick-ily passionate description of the girl he's killing.

I do however really love the last three sentences: very effective hook.

that was scary he is a bad man

maria