The world-building in this is fantastic. I love how you drop little hints of how MÄR is between the lines - we get a small glimpse of poverty, motherhood... It was very nice. You do the same with the characterization: we get important information droped lightly, in a very natural way. Kayla being refered as 'The Girl" during narration, or Peta's mentions here and there of Phantom. Thoughts that are barely there, stucked between other kind of thoughts with a rather sweet fondness. I love how Peta almost disobeys 'his' Phantom. This is greater than write their relationship explicitely - and much more beliavable. Same goes to the saying that the woman's lips are a few shades lighter than Peta's favorite drink. We're for sure seeing the world through Peta's eyes, and not yours, and at the same time, this vision of the world isn't forced upon us.

Also, proof that OFC can be done good in this fandom!! She doesn't take the story, and even though she's an important part of it, the story is still Peta's, not hers. Very cute, bittersweet ending.

Also, my favorite bit?

“He wouldn’t like those cakes.” Rolan mumbles.
Peta smirks and eyes his own, “He ate his vegetables, Rolan.”
His reply is immediate: “Not in cakes!”

Greatest. Dialogue. EVER.

Now that's an interesting concept! Although I don't really get what happened at the end, I love the characterizations and description, it's so pretty.

Hm. I've gotta say, my favourite part was Peta's vampirism? showing through. It may just be my preference for blood showing through, bit that scene was so clear to me.

Oh. I get it now...

Kayla's dead, isn't she?

Concrit wise, there were places, I think, where the tense slipped a little. Like when Peta was thinking about how the other knights 'will' teach Rolan, rather than 'were to' or 'would'. It might just be nitpicking, but other than that, I can't think of anything I'd change.

P.S Kayla's going in the Hall of Fame on the MAR OC Club, if that's all right with you. ^^

The bit where Rolan bangs his head on the table because Peta and Kayla team up and force him to eat his vegetables was a cute image. It made me giggle.

You’ve captured Peta’s mindset so well in how thinks, acts, and identifies Kayla as ‘The Girl.’ You bring so much more to Peta’s character with this story: his thought process, his likes, his dislikes, his relations with other people in his life, and how he communicates. In this story, he seems more like a real person.

Your OCs are always well-balanced non-sues and likable (in my opinion). I wish more OCs were like yours... -sigh-

These were my favorite lines: ‘There’s nothing worse than fluorescent shades standing out like a glowing mushroom in the dead of night or on the battlefield. As he’d argued then, he’d might as well be wearing a sign that read, “I’m here, hit me!”’ XD

I loved the plot. Though, I still don’t see why Peta had to kill Kayla if he was getting his blood from prostitutes at the bar... I really liked Kayla. D:

As for concrit...

‘Without the sun to warm his robes (even if it’s just a smidgen), and thus him - Peta feels like a walking icicle.’

This sentence is awkward. If you take out the words in the parentheses, it still sounds awkward. If you get rid of “and thus him” the sentence makes sense.

‘Without the sun to warm his robes (even if it’s just a smidgen), Peta feels like a walking icicle.’

I think “where” was supposed to be “we’re” in this sentence: “No! We eat vegetables every day, so where going to grow vegetables!”

I also think ‘anyway’ is supposed to be two separate words in this sentence: ‘It is the only negative thing about a fresh meal; there isn’t anyway to prevent wastage.’

The contraction here isn’t needed: ‘Peta nods and takes one – he’s knows better than to insult any female – especially when it comes to cooking.’

I believe the of spelling cooperative doesn’t include a dash here: ‘Rolan has been more co-operative since its creation too.’

If you need a beta, I would be very willing! ^^

This may just be my preference, but I think the words in the parentheses disrupt the flow of the story and distract the reader from the original sentence. They are like complete sentences globed onto other complete sentences, thus, causing the original sentence to be quite long.

A story in present tense is ambitious and risky. Because your story is in present tense you tend to overuse the forms of ‘be.’ "To be" is the root of all evil. You could have used more interesting verbs in place of is, was, are, etc.