Look, I'm going to be as nice as I can whilst still being blunt.

I can give you a LOT of helpful criticism on this to help improve the story - but I'm not sure if you want it. My criticism isn't one of gushing praise, but it will help you to write effectively.

If you want me to go through the whole fic so I can help you weed all of the errors out, then just say so. ;) If you don't - that's fine too. But you have to know that to improve, listening to critique is one of the best things you can do, even if it stings a little. Trust me - I've been getting critique for almost two years now, and I've never regretted it.

However, it's your call. I'm willing to help, but I can't do anything if you're not willing to accept.

Peace,
~MoonlightUmbreon

This needs to be spaced out.

I can't keep track when I read this jumble of words.

Might be a good plotline. But I can't read it to figure that out.

I suggest you space it out when dialogue occurs, change of location happens, etc.

Thouqhts-of-Nothinqness

o_O Scary wall of text.