I'm trying harder to come across as a nice, sweet, just-trying-to help-you type of reviewer. Sorry if you get offended by anything I say.

First off, why is the text in the center of the page? Did you type it in that format, or did it just magically get that way?

Second, you should try harder with description. Plus, paragraphs should be longer than one line. The average paragraph is somewhere between 3-7 sentences long.

Tense is another big thing. You're dodging back and forth between present and past tense. That's not good. it confuses the readers too much.

It's a very good, would-be funny idea, but the lack of good descriptive words (or juicy words, as my writing teacher called them), proper grammar, and correct punctuation ruin the story. Sorry.

Otherwise, it's, er, a very good idea. Keep trying.

The first thing I said after finishing this was "What the heck?" But I also laughed while saying it. This is Hilarious.