That was pretty good for a first time, but I do have some tips. For one, I thought the story did not flow well when you referred to harry and Ron by redhead, Gryffindor, Potter...I think it would flow better if you just called people by their names. Also, It gets a bit tedious with such a long story, but that can be stopped by dividing it into , great!

your grammar is horrible. also, there wouldn't even be a harry potter anything because hermione is the brains of everything.