nice story.

i love it! can't wait for more!

Really, whyever would you advertise the fact that your story has a Mary-Sue in it? Unless this is a parody and I missed the memo.

Your writing is alright (at least your sentences are grammatically correct), but the prose doesn't flow nicely at all. The writing is very choppy, the depictions aren't realistic at all, and your characterization of each and every character is off. Would Lucy really complain like a little girl, when there is no such account of it in the move or the books? And Danielle knowing *fencing* of all things in the '40s? It's a bit anachronistic, isn't it?

And why would Peter get into fights in the first place? Unless you are talking about angry Peter from the movies -which I do not understand at all. After living a lifetime in Narnia, and coming back, he wouldn't exactly be the same person, would he? Furthermore, the bit with Danielle intercepting the fights -she cringed, knowing she was going to get punched? Didn't you say she knew fencing -oh wait, fencing wouldn't help much, since she's not exactly learned in art of hand-to-hand combat.

I suggest you scrap this story, and start over anew, with the characters in mind. It seems like this Peter character your writing about, just shares Peter's name, and nothing else. And please, try coming up with better original characters. There is nothing pleasing or correct about a Mary Sue/Gary Stu. There is absolutely no character development.

Or is this just an over-glorified self-insert?

This is not a flame, but a *critique* on your writing.

Do try better, next time.

-Dubliner

ARRGH!

I have no idea who I want Danny to wind up with!

Ugh!

-QDD

i love Peter, but CMON! HES SUCH AN ASS!

Peter should do something! idk like, tease her and stuff? UGHH I WANT TO KNOW! HE CANT GIVE UP SO EASYLY! x3

I am LOVING this story!

I WANT MORE! :DD

-QDD

Marvelous! Is she going to end up with Caspian? Is that why she was brought?

great story! cant wait for the next chapter :)

interesting

love it! Can't wait for the next chapter!

Still going strong... looking forward to more!

Sounds like trouble in paradise for Peter... this'll be an interesting triangle... Hope Caspian has a cousin... lol

Yea for Danny... I like this character... so far, very good!

Oh where have all the talking animals gone... lol... love it... keep it up...!