If this was a anime or a manga Haji would have the eye the really wide then go Ash white.

I really like how you write! I only saw one mistake, but overrall, nice job! Update soon.

I like it. Its different and unique.

Nice chapter! and I saw some spelling error, you need to capitalize the character's name. But still, I like it so far. It's very interesting. Keep up the good work!

Nice job! But it would be nice if the chapter was a bit longer. And I was wondering why you typed with bold letters... But anyways, update soon. :)

love this story! Please update, i don't mind your errors. I was so interest in the story that i didnt even noticed the errors. PLease up date soon!

As stated in previous reviews, you need to work on your grammatical errors a bit more, deary. What stood out to me the most was lacking capitalization when starting new sentences, although, it seems that was probably just an oversight because for the greater part, especially further into the passage, you picked up on doing just that.

Another thing is commas. Ahh, commas, I do love the things. I myself have a tendency to overuse them (: But they are not replacements for periods and should always be used sparingly.

Then you need to get your past and present straight, never dodge between the two.

Okay, forgetting spelling and grammar I do suggest you be more descriptive with your writing. Don't tell me. Show me. I'll give you a for instance...

"Because of her sadness, she found herself singing a hymn. A hymn that their mother used to sang to lulled them both..."

There is so much possibility in this exert, you just need to learn how to utilize it (: Try something more like:

"Rika bowed her head in disappointment, a shallow sigh falling off the pout of her lips in a hauntingly beautiful melody. A hymn, a lovely and heartbreaking anthem that was left to them by their only blood mother; it was rooted in years beyond her memory but she imagined it had once been uttered as the most soothing lullaby..."

That's just my writing style, of course, work in any way you're comfortable with _

Overall, I would say you definitely need to break out keyboard and get to revising this bad boy, but you also seem to know where you're going, so that's more than I can say for a lot of people on fanfiction (myself included lol)

interesting! who is this 'other' queen?

its good just alot grammer errors

i liked the story, although it needs more descrptions, its a good start ;D

Hey, i liked it very much !

theres only a problem

your are mixing past tense with present tense and its kindda confusing to read, please try to fix it,

any way go on :D

amazing, shoudn't hagi come back yo saya