continue!plz?

Keep Going I am so curious :D

Lolz I like the start

You're writing a Jin/Hwoarang fic on that mini-game? Awesome!! LOVE the idea; it's just too cool! I get a hilarious mental image from Hwoarang tagging along for the ride and refusing to go away. "Mommy, he followed me home. Can I keep him?" We can dream.

From the emotional perspective, that comparison that Hwoarang made in his mind about putting a few countrymen above the millions of others, was apt. It was a really good addition! "Iota" as a word choice: spot-on. Other highlights:

~ "Unknown herself eludes me. She remains an enigma to all of us here." --When it was a the start of the sentence like this, without "Unknown" being capitalized, it was neat as heck. At this point, it was sort of "Jane Doe," an impression that of course vanished when you used the word in the middle of the next sentence.

~ "I-I ! I cant hold h-him!" and "Sure, he had heard of Jins alter ego but, he was one of the lucky ones who had not been targeted by it...until now." --The chapter definitely picked off toward the end, with the unwitting transformation taking place and the danger from the JACKs stepping in.

~ "--when, quicker than lightning, Jin flew past him and straight through the JACK." --This was cool. I like the action description: it's concise but still vivid.

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There's that last issue I've left until the end. It's just one, but it could develop into a biggie. Where's your grammar, 191026!? There were just way too many careless mistakes. I could copy-paste my review from "My Apology to You" here. The lack of hyphens was growing infuriating and distracting from the story itself, and you need apostrophes in the possessive, badly. Love the commas because you need more of them.

- Hyphens: hot-headed (*hot headed), quick-tempered (*quick tempered), and red-headed (*red headed). Those three were in the summary already! Raven-haired, flame-haired, fiery-maned, et cetera. If it's a compound adjective, you need the hyphens. Nowhere (*no-where), on the other hand, doesn't.

- Commas: Well, Kazama? (*Well Kazama), pretty cool, huh (*pretty cool huh), this is his handwriting, no mistake (*this is his handwriting no mistake). Pretty much any passage where Jin is addressed by name ("Well, Kazama?") lacks the commas to separate the name from the rest of the text.

- Possessive forms and contractions: something's not right (*somethings), What's (*Whats), Okay, let's get going, then (*Ok...lets get going then.), Kazuya's (*Kazuyas), Jin's alter ago (*Jins alter ego).

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I'm so happy to see this story finally, but DUDE, those are elementary mistakes, all of them. You gotta do something about them, even if you're tight-pressed to update. They distracted me from the story itself, and I can't be the only one. It's a huge shame because the mini-game idea is way too neat. You're on to something good here, so bring forth another chapter and let me delight in the word-perfect grammar then! Please keep going SOON!

Certainly a unique take on the whole Devil Within thing. I like it. One thing to point out in case you weren't aware, Hwoarang defeated Jin in T5. (*DEVIL* Jin defeated Hwoarang but that's a whole other can of worms.) Not too many spelling mistakes. As long as you keep an eye out for those you should be fine.