I loved it

love it

I think you have some really good potential, and there wouldn't be a lot you would have to do to clean this up a bit. The writing is fine, it's just the grammar that could use a little work. I suggest a beta, that would perfect the story :)

I'm curious to see more of this, partly because of how short this first chapter is, haha. A word of advice, always remember to separate dialogue, or else it becomes almost a hassle to read.

Please keep on writing!