Okay the begining is not bad. But I suggest you get a beta reader; it's no use to stubbornly refuse the grammar critisisms when it's obvious you are in dire need of help in that area. A beta reader is not there to change your work, but to to proof-read your story, you know, check that the grammar and punctuation are okay. I understand that English is your second language, but it sometimes is a good idea to get someone else to help you too :).

That last part was funny and what you wrote about Rieno can I plz barrow it? cuz wat you did with Rieno is awsomical - i have a new appreciation for him.

Aww that’s the first fan fic involving Reino in such a big way that I liked.
o LyL maybe you could do Beta reading because I think BlueMoonSSR is looking for one... Just a suggestion

AW!
soo good, yeah
i just love reino!
there are not enough reino and kyoko pairings
unrequited love...so cute!
lol
can't wait for the next update!!

You have more courage and more strength than I do because you dared to write in a language that's not your own. Be strong, and don't give up. Even if English is hard, keep working on it and your writing will get better in time.

I didn't write this to offend you, or to say "Your grammar sucks!" I just want you to know what I love reading and writing, and I love seeing good FanFiction with good writing, so I hope to see you get better and continue writing.

I read your story and rewrote the entire chapter with correct grammar. I didn't change very much; I just swapped out a few words. Your grammar isn't really that bad! It's because you use the spell checker *a lot* so I think the spell checker replaces the errors with words you didn't mean to use. I added my changes in brackets, these symbols: [ ]

You can just take off the brackets and your chapter will look much cleaner. I'm sorry if I can't explain why you should use which words in what context (English *is* really hard, after all!), but I hope this helps you write better. Again, I hope you don't give up.

Cheers,
oLittle

> Begin Review >

Ren’s aura was on fire but no one could tell. It was only a few days away from Valentine[']s Day[,] but he remembered that Kyoko[,] the only girl he wanted chocolates from[,] wasn’t giving him [any]. If being the [number one] most wanted guy in Japan doesn’t help him get the girl he want[s][,] then what good [does it do for him]?

Ren sat down next to his manger[,] who was too scared to ask what was wrong. If he could[,] Ren would have begged her for some chocolates for Valentine[']s Day but that [wouldn't] be right. [I]t would probably scare her away and that was the [one] thing he didn’t want to happen.

“Come on[,] Ren[,] don’t be so down. How are you even sure that Kyoko isn’t going to give you [V]alentine chocolates? I mean[,] how could she not?” [H]is manger knew right away without asking. I guess he didn’t need to[,] as just seeing that aura told him it was about Kyoko.

“And what’s going to happen and I don’t get any? Will it be you who’s responsible for [my] not getting any? Do you really want to take that responsibility of killing a man with pride?” Ren gave him the bright fake smile and his manger looked away. [It was] his way of saying that he gave up and that Ren won.

Ren began to think and then he said in a low whisper to himself, "It should be called [']Vain day,['] not stupid [']Valentine's day.[']"

His [manager] heard him and smiled. Ren didn’t [notice] his [manager's] [grin] as they drove to the Dark Moon set [where] Kyoko [was] waiting for them[.]

Kyoko was in [hell]. [S]he had ordered a present for Ren but she had no idea how to give it to him when it [came] in! It would come in a few days before his birthday and then there was the whole ["]Vain Day["] coming up. She wasn’t sure [whether] or not to give him chocolates.

It was only a few days ago [when] she found out her feelings for him [w]hen Ren came to her rescue when Reino came out of [nowhere] and tried to make her bring him chocolates.

[T]he way he just stepped in and saved her made her feel like a princess being saved by her prince. [I]t [w]as like seeing Corn save her. That night she dreamed [that] Ren confess[ed] his undying love for her and then [he turned] into Corn. He wrapped his arms [around] her and kissed her gently on the lips and asked never to let him go. Then she [whispered] that she loved him too.

Kyoko's face heated up at the thought of it. [S]he [began to bury] her face into her hands to prevent anyone from seeing her. When she calmed down[,] she [became] gloomy at what she called the ["Real World."] Ren already had some one he loved dearly to always have her on his mine like that. Kyoko began to [mope].

"[Mogami-san]... [A]re you ok[?]" [That] voice [could] send her to [heaven] or hell in [a] minute. Right now[,] it was sending her into embarrassment. Without thinking[,] she called him by his first name.

"Oh! Ren[,] no[,] I’m ok! I mean[,] I'm not thinking about [anyone!] [N]o one I know or you know[,] that is[.]"

Ren's eyes widened when she called him by [his] first name[.] [E]ven if it was his stage name[,] it made his day[,] right then and there.

"Are you hiding something from me?" [I]f he was in his normal [mood,] he would have been cold at her for trying to [hide] something from him, but he was [too] happy to care what tone he used.

Kyoko looked down[,] then up at him[,] then down again. She knew she had called him by him first name but she was relived he wasn't mad. And he took lightly [to] the fact that she tried to hide something from him. Something must have happened to him with the girl he liked to make him this happy.

"[C]ome on[,] you can tell me. [I]f not[,] who are you going to tell?" [H]is face was filled with [worry] and that sent Kyoko down [guilt] lane.

Maybe she could tell him[,] yet not tell him[.] [T]hat was the way to go! She knew she couldn't hide things from him... at least not most of it. Since he didn't [mind that] she called in him by his first name[,] then [she'll] call him by it... [B]esides she liked to say it.

"Ren[,] um..." Kyoko paused for a minute to see if he was [listening] and he was.

"Go ahead." [H]e smiled more now; she called him by his first name again.

"You see[,] there's this guy who I... um[,] like[,] like[,] more then I should... sort of[,] like[,] love. But he already has some one he loves and I don't want to get in the way of his happiness. So[,] now[,] I have no idea what to do, I want to tell him and then again I don't. And with Valentine[']s Day coming closer[,] I don't know what to do. Do I give him chocolates[,] or don't I? And what if we’re alone? What happens if I blurt out 'I like you a lot[.]' [W]ould that frighten him or not?"

Ren's smile dropped down a little but not enough for Kyoko to notice.

So Kyoko finally found [someone]? His heart dropped and broke as he [listened] to Kyoko [panic] [and] as her face got red. [I]f only she'd get red like that for him...

I like your story. I could do without the grammar problems. I also find it disturbing that you outright abuse one of your readers. I find it even more disturbing that you are so much more willing to except that you are 'stupid'. Last time, I checked, a person is only limited by their own imagination. So, the fact that you are not even old enough to be an adult and you already shank yourself in the foot is rather sad.

I really like the way this is going(: Can’t wait to read the rest as per usual. Your storylines are all plenty amazing.
And don’t listen to what some of those really mean reviewers say. Your English did get a whole lot better I swear. The spelling is improving gradually. Just continue trying, and don’t get disappointed. Because really, I feel like knocking the heads of a few particular reviewers of yours.

I mean seriously. The schools in my country use English as the first language but there are still people who do badly in it. So just because a particular person is not as great in her second language or anything, doesn’t mean you should flame her multiple times, again and again. So if you (mean) reviewers see this, I’m telling you to bugger off.

And yay for standing up for yourself!

Well, here are some spelling mistakes that I spotted. It’s not intended as a flame OR to rub in your face. Just helping a fellow fan fiction writer out.

Mogmie- Mogami
Lessoned/lesson/lessoning - listened/listen/listening
Cheers,
TNS (:

Woot!! haha I'm glad you stood up for yourself! She was wrong to say those things about you! I think your grammar and things were fine! Everyone makes mistakes once in a while!I really liked your story and it would be awesome if you write more! ^-^

Geez I was reading some of your reviews, people are so mean. This is supposed to be a fun thing and it's ruined when people blatently insult the writers instead of giving constructive critisism or praise. I am so sorry that people are writing such harsh things to you. Anyway if writing is something you enjoy, keep doing it, take the reviews as a way to improve. You can only grow from here as long as you keep trying.

Oh my gosh! Please C.O.N.T.I.N.U.E.!

i like the storyline. the formate dosnt make my brain hrt. but just to clarify, kyoko's last name is spelled 'mogami'. not to be flamful cuz spelling an gramer an't my thing eather.

LOL!! There is so many reviews by 'cowards' who didnt have a gut to login and critics your story XDD But then again, you have more and more review than other's writers too *wha*

Your story is good for me; so dont bother about the darn grammar, people who thinks your grammar is horrible is someone who didnt able to comprehend english words in a higher level - and i think youre already manage to improve it ^^

and yeah, english is my second language, HECK, nobody ever bother me about how horrible my grammar is BECAUSE i'm an executive; working in a big co --So you can achieve anything if you have a heart to; not because your english is SUCKS!

hey I really liked the chap need more!! keep up the hard work.. don't let those people get to you... I always enjoy it! so keep up the hard work!!

HI,

I wanted to let you know that I truly enjoy your stories ^v^ Please don't let other people ** you off because they don't know how to give "good" praises on your strong points. Sure English grammar is your weakness but that doesn't give those 'morons' the right to put you down. They should at least give you some ideas to improve. I must say that you have 'guts' to actually have your stories on-line even though they are down-right 'cruel' people who are just so immature. A lot of people say that 'English' is an easy language to grasp but personally it's the hardest. Some people could just grasp it easily than others. So, just ignore those 'idiots' who are such 'babies'. Take good care and I look forward to reading your stories ^^ Bye~bi!

Hey, in regards of what everyone says, don't feel bad. English is my second language too, but I've found that if you put your head, heart and soul into something, you can accomplish anything. So, I have faith that you'll perfect your grammar, don't give up. Hey who knows, maybe you will want to learn another language along the line. Looking forward for an update to this story.