|Reviews for Targeted|
| KoopalingFan 7/22/12 . chapter 10
I am going to post my review as soon as Alex picks the pillowws up off the floor.
Alex: *Hanging up-side down on KF's couch* No.
KF: Don't tell me no, pick them up.
KF: *G;ares at him* Pick them up.
Alex: *Shakes his head*
KF: Pick them up please!
Alex: *Ignoring him*
KF: Pick the pillows up!
Alex: *Still ignoring him*
KF: You're going into time out!
Alex: *Runs away* Nooooooooooooo!
KF: *Runs, stops, looks at screen* Oh, and the story was awesome, runs again*
Alex: *Gets hit by a broom* OW!
Wolf: *Holding broom* Want me to do it again?
Fox: *Playing as himself Super Smash Bros Brawl*
Wolf: *Accidently hits him with a broom knocking him unconscious*
Wolf: Whoops... *Gets pushed to the ground*
| bryan mccloud 3/8/10 . chapter 10
nice chapter. seems like no grammar and vocab mistakes from what i see.
zeke is going to help the star fox team in the nest story. if not y got a letter addressed to fox and only 1 person would do that and that would be zeke.
| Fox Mustang 2/17/10 . chapter 9
I really like this story. Get this story updated as soon as possible!
| Blaise McCloud 2/16/10 . chapter 2
Nice! I'm only 2 chapters in, and I'm already hooked into this story.
Your control over descriptive language is pretty amazing. That's always been the aspect of writing I struggle with, so I love to see it executed so well in others' work.
I subscribed, and I'm lookin' forward to more!
| starfoxluver 2/16/10 . chapter 9
I must say...this story's getting more intresting, who knew Leon would still be alive...well, u good sir XD
since u are the author :D
| bryan mccloud 2/11/10 . chapter 8
u know u forgot about the next sentence...(“He coming!” he then bolted out of the room.)before the sentence where he panicked.
actually there is a much better sentence instead of writing this one...(He would check, but he couldn’t without getting shot.) and yours too KrzyKrn K which is (he cant check without getting a hit from the assassin.)
for chapter 7
| Chimerical Knave 12/21/09 . chapter 7
Tis I! The ghost of Christmas Forever!
And I am here to warn you of the seemingly-never-ending-forever-coming-onslaught of one-liner reviews. It is sickening let me tell you...how can anybody take any one review seriously when they won't even take your chapters seriously? I swear...these one-liners have diluted our brains in some way or form. If I could then I would wish for one-liner reviews never to exist. I wouldn't want to open up my e-mail to eagerly check my review count JUST to find 5 one-liners. I would much rather find 1 thorough review...this one-liner review has got to stop. Please, if you ever review a story then don't stoop so low and give a good review that is filled with your thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Make sure you get your point across and make everything perfectly clear to your author.
Now...without a further adieu I shall continue on with my strenuous review:
-He would check, but he couldn’t without getting shot.-
He would check? I think that you should keep it congruent. This sentence would sound much better: 'He could always check, but he would risk getting his head blown clean off.'
-Alex then panicked as he started to walk to the door.-
If you're panicking then I refuse to believe that you are walking. More like stumbling or rushing or even flailing your arms while screaming...but definitely not walking. Let me tell you...On 9/11 when people panicked inside the Twin Towers, do you think that they walked around trying to find a way out? Or do you think that they frantically tried to find a way out?
-Marcus saw him slowly rise, and then he reached for his blaster but he was too slow as he saw the assassin quickly pull out a shotgun and fired at him. The force of the shot caused him to stumbled back until he hit the wall and then fall forward on the ground. A surge of pain coursed through his torso, as he slowly tried to get back up.-
This sentence can be reworded better...Here is my version: Marcus watched as the assassin slowly rose up and quickly snapped out of his trance. He reached for his blaster but the assassination was much quicker and managed to pull out a shotgun before Marcus could fire a shot. The force of the blast slammed into Marcus and knocked the air out of him. His body crumbled against the wall and dropped soundlessly to the floor; Marcus was so dazed that he didn't feel the pain surge through his torso until after he tried to get up.
See how much better and more exciting that sounded?
-A/N: Again sorry for it being short. I'll try to make a longer one next time.-
Sometimes longer isn't better...at least when it is short I can find most of the mistakes very quickly and won't have as much "pain" going through them.
Well I've got a proposition for you...I've strayed clear from this path because my last encounter was not well received.
But I've had better news with you. You actually embraced my harsh criticism...even though there was still much to be improved upon.
So I've decided to give you a shot...why not. Its only fair that we all get second chances.
So I'm offering my services to you in a different light now. I'm going to help you directly, not indirectly. Instead of merely giving you my review AFTER you release your chapter...how about you let me give it to you BEFORE you release your chapter?
In other words...Allow me to become your personal beta-reader.
What do you say?
Its your choice...
A Proud and Prospective member of LU
| bryan mccloud 12/21/09 . chapter 7
| Chimerical Knave 12/6/09 . chapter 6
You ready? Good...Cause I'm just as unprepared for what I'm about to read just as you are unprepared on how this chapter will be received by me.
-“First off he escaped from us back when he tried to poison the city’s water supply, so I know he’s still alive. Second, I know his style, he would hire some to kill us instead of himself…especially me, since I’m a traitor in his eyes.”-
You seemed to have left out "one" after "some". So instead of writing "someone" you just wrote "some".
-That put Fox at ease, knowing that she’s safe from danger.-
Keep it congruent...its all in past tense so keep it all in past tense. "Knowing that she was from danger put his mind at ease." sounds much better.
-They didn’t say anything as they walked out of the room and a couple a seconds later Marcus and Jason walked in. “Hey Alex, looks like we’re your guardian angles tonight,” Marcus said jokingly.-
You misspelled "angels".
-Right now he was hacking into the local hospital data files, he knew that he would be at one of them and was trying to find out which one. After a while he smiled as some information appeared on the screen.-
He was hacking into the hospitals mainframe to find out where Alex was located...so you pointed it all out to us but why did you have to reiterate it in different words right after that? We already know the reason for why he would be hacking into the hospital...but then you go ahead and say it anyways.
-Then he took a .50 cal Desert Eagle and put it into his right leg holster.-
Finally you get some antique guns!
-He grabbed a medium sized bad,-
You misspelled "bag". BTW more antique guns! Shotgun actually.
-It has been a few hours since Fox and the others left-
Congruity man! Its in past-tense, past-tense! Change "has" to "had".
-Jason then looked at his digital wrist watch and wathced as the black numbers blinked ’12: 25’-
You misspelled "watched" and I also think that this sentence could've been reworded better.
-Alex used all of his strenght and pushed Marcus away from him-
You misspelled strength.
-A/N: Hope you like, I'll try to get the next one up quicker. It may not be much but it tried.-
Well...you certainly made this chapter slightly better than its previous one. But maybe thats because there wasn't much for me to criticize...well actually there were but I let the small mistakes go by unattended.
| bryan mccloud 12/6/09 . chapter 6
wow...someone wrote a really damn long review for your story...lol.
keep up the good work...
| Chimerical Knave 11/20/09 . chapter 5
I have returned...To your request of pointing out the mistakes in a separate private PM, I shall kindly decline. I feel that it is more appropriate to point out your mistakes very bluntly & clearly to both you & your reviewers; if they care to read my reviews at all; it seems that Nate is the only one who actually read my reviews. Carrying on-
-“But didn’t I say for none of you were to leave at all?”-
What is this horrendous sentence supposed to mean? Surely, you could have done something to correct this and make it sound 10x better.
-He stopped right in front of them as he tried to catch his breath, “What happened? How is he?”
“We don’t know,” Peppy responded as he stood up and walked over to him. “They haven’t informed us yet.”-
This was repetitive and you did not have to point everything out again in almost the exact same words. You already mentioned Fox asking "what happened" earlier and Peppy telling him that he didn't what happened. Why did you type it out all again? Congruity man...keep it all smooth and congruent.
-The three of them sat in the waiting room for the next ten minutes, and then they saw one of the doctor’s-
Simply appalling...doctor's? Doctor's? What? Doctor's what? You only put apostrophes when you are describing the possession of something to the aforementioned noun...possessive nouns. You don't use an apostrophe when you are naming a plural group of people or nouns. I have verified this from the internet...it was AT ONE TIME used for plurals also...but nowadays it is widely regarded as incorrect so you should've said doctors...maybe even put the words "many" before "doctors".
-“He’s fine, he had a couple of blaster bolts hit his leg and back but nothing sevear. He’ll be fully recovered in the morning, but we’re going to keep him here overnight for observations.”-
Okay...why you constantly do this to yourself? Full-proof and all that nonsense and now this? Sevear? Come on...I mean seriously, Come on! Its spelled severe. Also your grammar was kindergarten level at the beginning of your sentence/quotation. "He had a couple of blaster bolts hit his leg"? Does that make sense? I didn't think so...It'd be almost the same thing to say "I punched him many times hit him in the face". Also...observations? Couldn't you have used a more better word in this case when applying doctors and hospitals? This ain't no science lab boy...This is a hospital they don't "observe" people like lab-rats...they "monitor" their health and keep them healthy and what-not.
-That relived them a bit after hearing the news. “Can we see him?” Wolf asked.-
Relived? RELIVED! So he relived someone's life again? What? Don't you mean relieved?
-Alex opened his eyes and turned his head. He smiled as he saw the three, “hey…” He then tried to sit up but a bit of pain shot through his back.-
A bit of pain? A bit? You need to know when to use what words for which descriptions...in this case you do NOT want to use euphemism or whatever technique to "soften" the blow...it is pain that hindered his movement to sit up. If something is THAT painful that you can't sit up I would think it to be a BIG pain, not a little bit of pain...not a little discomfort...not a little inconvenience.
-Fox saw him wince in pain, then rushed over to him, “don’t try to stand up, you might hurt yourself more.”-
Uh...Pancho...I did mention congruity up there didn't I? Well it applies here too. I'm positively sure that Alex was trying to sit up, NOT stand up.
-"Fine...Still in pain, but i'm fine." Hearing that made Wolf relived.-
First mistake...you forgot to capitalize "I'm". Second mistake...Bad, bland, boring description. Hearing that made Wolf relived? Come on...stop trying to just tell us everything...SHOW US DAMMIT! Wolf let out a sigh of relief. Oh and here is the third mistake...You spelled relieved wrong.
-“what happened?” Peppy asked.-
Okay...so lets just jump back into that whole what happened thingy all over again. Third time that I've heard that said in this chapter...what does that mean? Not good. You shouldn't make Peppy ask him so bluntly and straight-forward. You should've made Peppy a little bit more reserved and respectful while giving the impression that he was about to speak or ask a question. Then you should've told us, the readers, that Alex hinted at what Peppy was going to ask and answered before Peppy even got a chance to speak.
-“I tired fighting back but he got the best of me. I was out of strength and thought I was about to die but…someone saved me. I didn’t get to see who it was because I passed out.”-
I tired fighting back? Yesh I'm quit sur tat I wuld aslo gett tried wile fitting. Apologies for the obvious & direct sarcasm but really...you should get your act together.
-That gave Alex a confused look, “What do you mean? You told me to meet you at the park.”-
That gave Alex a confused look? I'm sorry but a sentence cannot give someone a confused look. You really should reword this to make it more "punctuated" and "first-person". Why not say that "Alex put on a look of confusion after hearing this"?
-That confused Fox also, “what? I never told you to do that.”-
And for Fox you should've put "Now it was Fox's turn to look confused"
-He reached into the drawl next to him and pulled out his PDA. He pressed some buttons then held it out, “this message.”-
Drawl? He reached into the dra- Okay! One: You can't reach into a drawl because it isn't a physical embodied object that you can hold or store stuff in. Two: Drawl is a verb that means to speak with lengthened or drawn-out vowels. Yeah...I think you need to fix your spelling before anything else. Because drawl is far from drawer. Its two words difference...and to make it worse the letter "L" is located far from the letters "E" and "R". Just how the hell did you manage to slaughter the word drawer and SOMEHOW type in "L" as "E" and "R"s replacements? This completely baffles me...baffles me beyond all common sense and knowledge.
-“I thought I’d come by and see how Alex is doing…plus these two have something to say.”
“What are they doing here?” Peppy asked.-
I've got to hand it to you...you suck at conversations. I'm sorry if I'm mean...but this is the most critical and easiest way to point it to you. You just suck at writing conversations. they sound so unreal and corny. The General just said that the two had something to say, and right after that Peppy asks what they are doing here? What? Thats the freakin Genereal and this is the wise and old Peppy. He wouldn't ask the General what his subordinates were doing in that hospital...No! He would just stand there respectively and let things go as they should go. Read some stories with good conversations that sound legit and real...and stop writing this corny game-lines boring pieces of crap. It really takes out from your story...Even if your descriptions were top-notch and if you didn't have all these spelling and grammar mistakes, if your conversations were that coring then all of that wouldn't matter. It would still be just as bad as you having all those mistakes...which you, unfortunately, do.
-That surprised Alex, knowing that they saved him. “Well…I thank you two for saving my life.”-
Well I thank you two for saving my life". Congruity kid...congruity. Let me ask you something Dylan...Does Alex usually speak like that? Because from what I've seen thus far, he should've answered in this context: "Well thanks"
-It was like that for a minute until the General spoke, “then that confirms it. He’s really after you all.”-
NAH! YOU THINK? Oh My Word...that was so hard for all of them to figure out? The obvious was that hard for them to comprehend? They HAD to have a little slip of paper that the allegedly trained assassin somehow managed to let slip from his cheap back pocket of his Levi-Strauss, specifically tailored for assassination, jeans? I cannot believe this...So just how did General Pepper become the general in the first place? Because in all reality...they are a bunch of block-heads right now.
This black clad mysterious figure interferes with a top-seceret military ops recon mission and then the very same black clad figure attacks Falco and then attacks Alex and they still couldn't figure out the obvious connections? Even after the high-definition video of showing the same black clad figure? It took them a little old crumpled piece of paper for them to finally figure out that they were being hunted for a hit?
-“Oh, what’s the matter? This one too much for you?” he spoke, trying to irritate him more.-
Oh please...the worse thing for a writer to do is to demean and humiliate his readers by believing them to be stupid or something. Or to make things so obvious that we think you are trying to tell us that we are stupid. Irritate? You don't need to bluntly state it out loud to us you could've used deceptive language; anything but that! Maybe said something like, Oh I don't know, this: "“Oh? This one too much for you?” the mysterious figure sneered in a supercilious tone.
-A/N: hope you like, this one may not be my best but i tried. the next one should be better.-
You tried? Really? Well then that's all good because you tried. Now we can all hold hands and sing Kumbaya together right? Well I didn't see anything that resembled you trying...this seemed like you put no effort into it. Really...trying to me is someone vigorously looking over their chapter for mistakes and asking for help before releasing the chapter to the public. Now that's what I call trying. If you did try then that was some sad trying. What trying did you do? 5% try power? 1% try power? I'll give you this much, at least you haven't fallen so low that I would have to flame you...which I wouldn't normally do. But in most cases I aggressively criticize, which is exactly what I did.
I'll also give you kudos for having faith in me after all this time. Good
| bryan mccloud 11/17/09 . chapter 5
i wonder how many jerks are there in fanfiction that they dont even bother to read the 2 prequels of the story before reading the latest one.
btw, nice chapter and i was wondering why leon never hire mercenaries to go after them..._...hahaha, it would be fun.
| Telekenetic Mind Freak 11/8/09 . chapter 1
Your dialogue was horrible. Your plot was not understandable, and it's hard to follow for the average reader. Your punctuation needs work. This is for your benefit and that of your readers, good bye.
| Moon clone 11/4/09 . chapter 4
When I read the part about the remote setting off the bomb, I almost shouted with joy. Seriously, I thought that you'd made the assassin look like an idiot in the other chapter (as I thought he'd set off the bomb too early), so this explains it pretty well. And now there is another assassination attempt! Will they ever stop?
So, short break here to tell you that you have a few problems with capitalization at the start of any sort of dialogue. And possibly mis-using commas, but I could be mixing up with another story :/ sorry.
So, on to the good points! The chapter really started to get interesting at the moment that Alex got the message from "Fox", and when he waited in the clearing, it gave a nice little sense of suspense. You could have worked on it differently, but the way you chose was fine. It was a nice idea that Alex found out the killer through boredom, it makes the whole scene look natural (I assume he was bored, since he decided to stop looking for Fox and instead listened to what happened around him). The cliffhanger at the end was mean of you though :p and there was a nice transition scene when the stranger goes back to his hideout.
Bad points: the beginning seemed a bit bland to me. You could have added a bit more description to the scene of the crime (I know it's hard, but if you pull it off well it's worth it). Second was during the fight. I know that you want to make it look fast-paced and quick, but you basically just put all the sentences together, so I had a chunk of lines to read. Yes, I'm lazy, but so are most readers, so check that part again to see if you can break it up slightly, though don't break it up too much ;
All in all, pretty good chapter, and also pretty good story! The last one was very good, but it also felt too inspired from another video game " while this one sounds... Fresher in a way.
Good luck with the next chapter, and don't stop writing!
| Moon clone 10/19/09 . chapter 3
Sorry for not reviewing the second chapter, but I read it from the school's library computer, and it doesn't let me log on to . Besides, you don't accept anonymous reviews, so...
Anyway, I liked both of the latest chapters. A few spelling errors here and there (that my good friend Khris pointed out to you in his reviews), and in this chapter just two plot inconsitencies that I noticed.
First is that a gun with a 95% chance of killing the weilder is just really stupid, sorry. Maybe 95% chance of killing if the person using it wasn't carefully protected or something?
Second, why would they unlock the car with the beeper instead of using the car keys? Unless... The cars DON'T have keyholes? Then they would be screwed if the beeper ran out of batteries... Lol. And unless it was a timed bomb, the assassin should have waited until they were inside the car before detonating the bomb.
However, I really like the way the story is going now. I can't see any kind of relationship between Falco on the guy who got killed in the first chapter, so why is that cloaked stranger after him...? It's bugging me! For that, you shall have to... Write the next chapter soon!
Keep on writing!