All right, let's see here. First of all, it's great to see more SS stuff on here. I know that sounds weird since I haven't contributed any SS stuff, but hey.

A few issues; this story begins seeming to feature Lyon's relationship with Eirika, but by the end it's ignoring her in favor of his rise to lordship (which makes more sense in the context of the theme, it just felt disparate to me). The fic as a whole lacks unity as a result. When you do bring in the Lordship theme, it comes together much better. Your writing itself comes across as choppy, with little mistakes like the one Patinator mentioned, and your use of commas in sentences when other punctuation might be better.

But I really love the idea behind this fic. You're taking the first theme in a new and unique direction, and you've done a good job with it. Even if I'm at odds with your presentation, the driving force behind it is great. I look forward to seeing what you do with the other 99, too.

It's a nice chapter, FEMM. The only error I see is the fact you pressed enter at the wrong time during one bit of speech, making Lyon talk in two separate paragraphs without stopping. :P