Kinda re-read this and one thing I noticed was that it was very blocky. :P Not smooth, like what Zethos mentioned, and too many "I"s, though I like the situation very much. You could have had elaborated slightly more on their past relationship as well.

Try not to repeat words too frequently in the same paragraph/region, like door. :P

This is a nice attempt. I'm a bit brain-blasted from Os so if I have anything to say, I will leave an anon review under my pen name.

100/65/70

-Cough- Alright, I hope the naming wasn't intentional (points up to my name). That aside, it's a rather good try, although I wish you had shown more and told less. The change of the protagonist was too abrupt for me - you need to show more motivation, yep. Good work, though.

Nice attempt at a lil' tragedy/angst there. (One of my fave combinations :D )

The only gripe was the use of "I". It's like... too narrative when most of your sentences start with "I". Eg: "I ran", "I felt", "I carried" etc.

Vary the sentence structures, simply by replacing the "I" with another word.
EG: "I bit my lip and I got up..."
Can be changed to: "Biting my lip, I got up..."

Get the idea?