  ...
2009-11-17 . chapter 3 *Sigh* I guess I'm going to be the one to do this. Firstly, there's a lot of grammatical errors and awkward sentences where you tell instead of showing. And you can't just switch to a narrator's p.o.v. if this is told in first person. You should probably get a beta-reader...
Secondly, this was just so hard to read because I felt the storyline is predictable, and simply boring. Here's how I would summarize what's happened so far: "Boohoo, I hate Halloween because I blame it for my brother's death. I live with my dad. I fall into a hole that leads into Halloween town and Jack Skellington and Sally are my real parents." This is why I hate stories where OCs are related to the main characters. Very few people are ever capable of producing a believable fanfic with such conditions and I honestly don't believe that this is one of those.
Now here's my nitpicky details: 1. Melancholy as a last name? LAME. It's obvious what you're trying to use it for, but it's too cliche to be done so.
2. The font should not be bolded. You only bold a word or a phrase to emphasize something such as a store or title.
3. Learn to transition between flashbacks and the current more efficiently.
4. Tone down the angsty-ness unless a situation calls for it. Nobody likes an angsty-sue.
5. How the heck would Jack and Sally recognize her? Were they spying on her for her entire life? Besides, isn't she a little too accepting for someone who "hates Halloween?"
6. I would advise you to rewrite this entirely and take more time and thought to plan this out.
The list goes on, but I would rather not looking for more errors.
Well, there's my advice but you're the one who decides what to do. I hope you're not an inexorable writer who whines or deletes reviews instead of listening to them. |
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