I can't say much about your story because there doesn't seem to be any originality here. All of this is from the manga as exactly as it is. There doesn't seem to be anything here that you wrote yourself.

Oh my! I love your story! :D I feel satisfaction because I was hanging for a story like this! :)

It's awsome! please put the next chepter...I really love it

The only thing I would say is that it is confusing to read because you go from first person to third person. I can't tell who is talking sometimes. If you could work on that, that would be great. The plot and the characters are great though.

I really liked your story. It's really heart melting. I want to read more of it. :) I'll hope you'll write more. Keep it up! :)

and also. thanks for reading mine. :)